I Just Came to Say Goodbye
by SoulsOnFire
Summary: Edward Masen has been gone for years but the consequences of his choices will continue to haunt him. The ex Army soldier is a NYC firefighter looking to start over. All human. Rated M for everything amazing. - a Fireheart story
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: We do not own twilight. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. The authors are in no way associated or affiliated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended**_

 **"** **I** **Just** **Came to Say Goodbye"**

 _ **a Fireheart story**_

 **Prologue**

EPOV

Regret is a curious thing. Heavy; but mostly suffocating.

 _Lonely_.

The entire world seems to move on around us whether we're ready for it or not. Or maybe it just moves around certain people. Our worlds might be unique. Altered based on decisions, a sea of stupid choices. But different, based upon the thoughts and emotions of the beholder. At least, that's what I've come to hope. Because if anyone else felt what I feel every time I look in the mirror, I can't imagine the world would be a very happy place.

I'll never forget it.

 _The first time I saw her._

It wasn't some bullshit cliche, hollywood moment where the world stopped moving. It wasn't love at first sight or any kind of perfect _thing_ that everyone searches for. But rather, _just a moment_. One tiny moment of some kind of fire that went through me.

The light just happened to hit her as I caught a glimpse. My eyes found hers through a crowd of people, way too many to be able to notice one person but there she was. Her hair was a veil of the softest looking brown waves I had ever seen. She had a smile that was kind of contagious. Even if you didn't want to, you smiled with her because it was impossible not to. I tried to force myself to look away from this complete stranger but it was her eyes that held me in place.

Brown, but not.

Amber, but not.

I stared at her for a few moments longer than socially acceptable but I didn't particularly give a fuck. I didn't know why, but I felt like I just had to know her. In any way she would allow. I had no idea what her voice sounded like or if she preferred pizza or Chinese, or what her favorite color was but I wanted to know. All of it; I needed to know all of those things. One look and I was righteously pissed at myself for being _that_ guy. The one who stared, the oune who couldn't get his shit together long enough to approach a pretty girl.

I remember the way her cheeks burned pink when she caught my stare and the way her hand came up to push a loose wave behind her ear. She wore a green sweater. Black stretchy little pants and high brown boots. I think her fingernails were painted, probably some natural shade of pink. She wore a necklace, just a plain silver chain with a heart. Her eyes glanced down, clearly embarrassed.. by me, I realized. I remember the way I pulled my brows together, willing myself to stop being a goddamn creep but I just couldn't stop staring. The moment could've been an hour, could've been a second. Just a moment in passing. But that was the first time I ever laid eyes on Isabella Swan.

Sometimes, I wish there was a way to go back to that moment. If there was a way to change the past, the present or our unforeseen future, would we do it? How many things could be different from changing one moment in time? _Just a moment_.

As much as it kills me to admit it, I think I would change it. Instead of following the path that led me here, I think I would go back. But not to her moment. I would go back to the moment just before that one and never look. Never have _that_ one moment; prevent it. Maybe, just maybe it could've been something else. Is it better to wish for a second chance or is it better to wish to never have met her? I really don't know but I feel the weight of that question every goddamn day of my life.

For a long time, I did everything I could to make excuses. It was the timing.. It was other people.. It was her.. But that's all they were; excuses. The truth of it, is that it was me. And as much as I wish I could fix it, I can't go back. I can't change it. I can never take that back. God knows I've fuckin tried. I've tried to reach out in the beginning, to no avail. I tried to learn how to live without her. I tried to figure out who I really am. I still don't have a goddamn clue.

People say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. _Fuckin try it._

 **CHAPTER ONE**

EPOV

"Masen." My head snapped at the call of my name, my unwavering impatience finally relieved as I stood and swung my backpack over my shoulder. I marched towards the desk where the awaiting Sergeant raised a brow and pursed his lips into a thin line before he huffed a breath and stamped the final red ink on my release papers. I didn't bother with any parting words as I pulled a cigarette from the crushed pack and brought the filter to my lips, already dry but eager for that first inhale. I pushed the doors open and winced at the sunlight as I lit the end and and stepped across the demarcation line. I took a long, lazy drag as I crossed from military to civilian with just a few steps. It's strange, to go back to a civilian life but it was time for me. I served my four years and reassigned for another eighteen months. But I've had my fill. I did what I said I would do, a promise kept. But I wanted my own life, not one for my family. I didn't bother to look back, not that I wanted to look ahead either so I just walked with my head down, lost in my own thoughts as I made my way towards the awaiting greyhound bus station, waiting to take me.. Home, I guess.

Waiting for however long, I laid on the bus stop bench, just staring up at the gray skies and thick cloud cover. The rumble of thunder was distant but promising. Every now and then, a low jolt sparked the gray clouds that seemed to loom only over me. Rain was coming. _Rain_.

 _She stood there, drenched from the pouring rain, her hair a wild mess of dripping waves. Her clothes were as soaked through as mine were. We stood across from each other, both angry. Both hurt. Both with shameless tears falling down our faces. Only inches separated us but it may as well have been miles. She had to have been freezing but didn't seem to even notice the temperature as her swollen and red eyes flared with rage and pain. Betrayal. Her voice, when it finally broke, fractured my very soul. "Mase, please.. just stay_."

Words I'll never forget. I hear them every day. Every night. Every time it rains. Every shower. Every dream or conscious thought. I hear them over and over and it breaks me every time. Another crack in an already shattered soul. Even now. Two thousand or so days later.

Within minutes, my cigarette had burned through relentlessly, the tips of my fingers burning with the reminder that I was even holding it. With a flick, I shook the image from my mind. The one that haunted my dreams, my every silent moment. The most precious face I would ever have the pleasure to have seen, crumbling under a veil of salty tears and a soul crushing agonized look in her eyes. It felt as if a light went out inside her. Acceptance. It was the last memory I have of that beautiful face and it kills me to have put it there.

When the bus finally showed up, I handed my ticket over without making eye contact at either the driver or the open fields behind the base where I spent the majority of the last few years. I kept my head down and pulled out the beat up phone I still held onto all this time. Never upgraded, never changed the number either. Just in case. Just in case there was the off chance she would text. Or call.. anything. When I turned on the power, no new messages popped up on the screen. Not that I was expecting any. Every Friday for the last six years, I've powered on this piece of shit just for a few minutes. Never saw her name come up. But I had one saved voicemail from her. Old, from before everything. I've listened to it so many times that I knew it better than any song. It wasn't even important, just a message of her voice, asking me to pick up a bottle of wine on my way home from work. She told me she loved me and I might be a selfish asshole for listening to it a million times over but it got me through a lot of bullshit over the last few years.

Scrubbing a hand over my scruffy jaw, I shook my head at myself and closed the contacts screen with her name on it. She probably didn't even have the number anymore. I pulled up some music and pushed the annoying buds in, officially blocking out the rest of the world's bullshit with a glance out the window, watching the raging storm that was ready to drop right on us.

I wasn't entirely sure how much time passed when I jolted awake to the sound of the air brakes on the bus and then the doors swishing open to let everyone out. A rest stop, I realized as everyone left their personal belongings on board. With a little hesitation, I left my overstuffed backpack on the seat next to me and stepped off the bus. I scanned the crowded rest area and found a few shops, gas pumps, way too many people and some vending machines. Lighting a cigarette, I stalked towards the vending area and pushed some quarters in, hitting the first button at the top, not really caring what came out. Just as I heard the change drop along with whatever I was about to eat, I caught a flash of soft brown hair from the corner of my eye. I halted my steps and found myself staring, maybe hoping but mostly terrified of the face that hair belonged to. Just then, some little kid ran up to the girl and hugged her leg, watching me stare and hid behind her. When she turned, the girls face was unfamiliar but she smiled all the same. I offered a nod of my head and dipped down to pick up what I found to be a bag of pretzels and a bottle of water. Shaking my head, I leaned against a cement wall overlooking the rest stop as I finished off another cigarette, my thoughts a jumbled mess of what if's and for some reason, the face of that little kid. It made me wonder where Bella is now and what she's doing. How much her life has changed. I wondered if she had a kid of her own and found myself sick at the very idea of it. A family of her own. A life without me. Part of me wanted her to wait for me, the better part would never have asked her to.

From pure aggravation, I flicked my unfinished cigarette and made a pit stop in the restroom before I planted my ass back on the bus, only a few more long hours from a city I really didn't want to go back to. Friends I've barely kept in touch with. An apartment that nobody lived in anymore and of course, the possibility of seeing her.

By the time the bus rolled into the station, the city lights erupted under the night sky. With a heavy sigh, I stepped off the bus, shuffled through the ever crowded Grand Central station and took the familiar route towards the Upper East side. I walked with my head down, hood up, trying to keep the rain from my face as I held a slow pace, in no hurry to open the door to an empty apartment.

It's been two thousand days since I've seen her. My Bella. Almost six years since I watched her cry, her eyes in that moment forever haunting me and yet.. the moment I opened the door to my dusty apartment, I saw her so vividly she could've been real. A beautiful ghost that haunts me. That smile over her shoulder, the sound of her laugh fading into the overwhelming silence. The light and happiness that once filled this apartment was long gone and all that was left were a few pieces of furniture with white sheets draped over all of it. Dropping my backpack with a loud thud, I walked over to the living room window and pushed it open, letting some air in to help clear out the dust. I remembered the way she would stand in this very spot with her morning coffee and watched all the people in the park far beneath the building. The thought had me backing away from the window, not wanting to see her standing there, not that it helped. I saw her everywhere. Even when I didn't want to.

The electricity hasn't been turned on yet, there wasn't a morsel of food here and my ridiculously outdated iPhone was officially dead. There wasn't any hot water for a shower yet and the thought of staying in these clothes for another goddamn minute had my aggravation rising way too fast to handle without a drink in my hand. I moved to the bedroom, the closet my only target when I saw the bed. Perfect and pristine the way she left it. The bedding was dark blue with white pillows. A flash behind my eyes and there she was, sprawled out in the morning sun. Naked under the sheets that kept her tucked at my side, that goddamn smile on her lips before her eyes ever opened. Our fingers laced together, her voice sleepy, and a kiss that almost brought me to my knees right where I stood.

"Jesus fuck." Snapping myself out of it, I gritted my teeth and stalked to the closet, ripping a clean pair of jeans off a shelf and grabbed a plain black tee shirt off a hanger that flung itself to the floor. Ignoring the bed on my way out of the room, I stalked to the bathroom and changed my clothes, also ignoring her stupid pink toothbrush as it sat in a holder next to mine. She was everywhere and nowhere at the same time and it was starting to piss me off. I grabbed the pink toothbrush and chucked it into the trash, but not before glaring at myself just once in the mirror. My hair was an unruly mess on top of my head, my eyes empty as usual but at least I recognized a little piece of myself with my own clothes. The sleeve of ink that covered my left arm was mostly new however. A balled silver chain peeked out from under the top of the too tight black cotton shirt, not entirely ready to part with the tags that hung there.

Stepping into well worn in boots, I grabbed the keys off the counter and pulled the door open, desperately needing some air, a cold beer and some damn food. When I pulled the door open, a familiar face was staring back at me, stunned but excited.

" _You stalkin' me, bro?"_ A chuckled laugh and a middle finger greeted me as Jasper stood across from me, a single key on a ring in his hand. He was still half dressed in his uniform. Insignia I've long missed wearing myself. The FDNY logo sent a wave of longing through me. I knew my job would be there when I came home but I was suddenly more eager to get back to it.

" _You're home. For good this time?"_ His eyes looked behind me to glance inside but there wasn't much to see as I closed the door. With a nod, I grinned, pushing a hand through my hair.

" _Looks that way. What're you doing here? Not that I'm not glad you are."_ At that, Jasper laughed and leaned in, the usual fist bump and one arm hug we've shared a thousand times. Although it seemed like another lifetime ago. My lifelong best friend. Through school, the academy, life.. everything. We've been through it all together. I missed him even though we talked almost every month that I've been gone.

" _I got a call from downstairs that someone keyed in the entry code. I can't believe you're finally home. You headed out?"_ He looked happy but worried. Probably because I looked like total shit or he didn't want me to ask the question we both knew was coming. Instead, I just nodded and motioned for the elevators. " _I could use a beer. You?"_

It was a short walk to a place we've frequented many times before, though it looked a little different after all this time. The conversation flowed easily, as it always had. We caught up quickly, laughed about some things but avoided any talk of Bella altogether until he could see it in my face that I was dying to ask but wasn't brave enough to say her name out loud. With a swig of my beer, I stared out at the mesh of people scattered throughout the bar, well aware of his eyes on me.

" _What?"_ My voice was void of amusement as I made eye contact with Jasper, his own gaze unwavering as that annoyingly cocky smirk of his made an appearance.

" _It's been two hours, man. I thought you would've asked by now."_ I raised a brow at that, admitting to nothing as I took another swig, finishing off my beer and nodded towards the bartender to send over another round, my eyes never leaving Jaspers face.

" _I haven't asked about her in years, why would I ask now?"_ It would do no good to lie and pretend I wasn't fully aware of what he meant, the guy can see right through me, he always could. It pissed me off to no end.

" _Because, now you're home and it's different."_ Well, fuck if he wasn't right but instead of arguing, I spared myself some time and simply asked, " _How is she?"_ My throat felt a little tight as I swallowed nothing but air and looked away from his face while he shook his head and finished his beer, setting the empty bottle on the bar.

" _Last I saw Bella, she was doin' alright. She never really went back to normal after you left. She went through a lot, man. And I know.. you have too. I haven't seen her in awhile but last I heard she was teaching. Ballet studio downtown."_ He cast me a knowing look, already assuming I would try to find her. I wasn't sure if he was right.

I didn't say anything else but he knew not to push it. It's been a long time since we've approached the Bella conversations and the first few didn't end very well. Jasper knows all of it. He knows what happened, why it happened and how it's tortured me ever since. He knows when to push and when not to. So he let it go. For now.

The rest of the night went quick after that. A few beers, more casual conversation, a few laughs and we even stopped by a phone place after many laughs were had at the ancient iPhone I carried in my pocket. We parted ways a little after midnight and I walked home feeling like I might actually be able to sleep through the night for a change. As soon as I was through the door, I kicked off my boots and pulled my new phone out of my pocket and tossed it on the couch, still not completely sure how to even use it. I walked towards the bedroom and even through my drunken haze, I could see the perfectly bed made, waiting for me to lay in it. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't sleep in it, I could barely look at it. I turned back to the living room and crashed on the couch, not bothering to even change my clothes as I hoped for a dreamless night.

~ author notes ~

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~ Fireheart


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: We do not own twilight. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. The authors are in no way associated or affiliated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended

"I Just Came to Say Goodbye"

a Fireheart story

CHAPTER TWO

BPOV

For a long time, I couldn't listen to music anymore. Not because I didn't want to, but because it was all tainted. So many beautiful melodies turned tragic with the memory of him. I couldn't even look at a piano let alone listen to one apart from teaching at the studio. Every time I tried to sit at the piano, I could feel him. His arms around mine, guiding my fingers as he tried to teach me how to play. It started to weigh so heavy that I stopped listening to music altogether. Cut out every memory, or try to anyway.

My whole life, I've had a passion for music that ran soul deep. The piano, violins mostly, a love of orchestra and symphony to set my soul on fire. Even as a small child, I just wanted to dance. To move with a gracefulness I didn't yet possess. Years of lessons, recitals, costumes and audiences, it was the foundation of my childhood. I grew to appreciate the arts even more as an adult and went on to performing on prestigious stages all over Broadway. We all have a way to feel at peace in some way, to find something buried deep inside ourselves. My outlet was always ballet. For years, I danced to the most beautiful melodies the world has heard. From simple steps to divine tragedies, I became part of something more. More than music, more than art, something more than myself.

I knew who I was and I knew who I wanted to be. I had plans, although those tend to never work out and my case wasn't any different. My life was organized, well thought out and strategic. My ducks were in a row and I was ready to take stages bigger than any dreams I could've had for myself. Offers came in without even trying. Invitations to be included on the most talented productions the arts could ask for. Traveling the world with the elite, dancers I looked up to and aspired to become. A dream come true, it would have been. That was until I fell in love with Edward Masen.

" _Shit_!" Under my breath, I hissed to myself as I noted the time, everything I needed was inconveniently scattered all over my apartment. I moved quickly between the bedroom, the bathroom and the closet, getting dressed along the way. I stepped into my sheer black leggings as I padded my bare feet across the wooden floors, pulling my pants up to the waist with a wiggled jump while I glanced around for my sneakers. One was by the front door, the other probably somewhere under the couch. Gathering them up as fast as possible, I looked through the folded laundry still in the basket above the dryer, for a pair of black socks and slid them on. Before running back towards the bedroom, I stepped into my shoes, my toothbrush still in my mouth. Being on time for anything these days was somewhat of a challenge, but at least I was showing up. Improvement.

I didn't even glance in the mirror as I pulled my waist length, brown hair into a ponytail and clasped my bra into place, reaching through the closet for a long sleeve cotton shirt. I moved quick to grab all my stuff and throw it into my soft pink gym bag and be out the door by the time the alarm on my watch went off. I was already in the elevator heading for the lobby by the time it pinged.

My day flew by as it always did, too fast to really pay attention to anything other than schedules. I stopped for my morning coffee, opened the studio, held three classes and had enough time to clean the floors by the time I realized I was hungry. With a kids class in the morning and two adult classes in the afternoon, I was usually ready to head home by six o'clock everyday but today was just a little bit slower and it was almost seven by the time I finished the floors and some of the paperwork at my desk. I was just about to leave the studio when I just happened to glance sidelong at the balance bar on the far side of the main studio. Lights shimmered in from outside, rippling off the designed glass to make it shine and for some reason, my mind took me back to a night so far away that it could've been another lifetime ago.

 _A breathy laugh and intertwined fingers, he held my hand with one of his while the other rested low on my waist, his breath heavy against the back of my neck. "I'm not doing this." His voice was amused but laced with something else as I tilted my head back over my shoulder to try and glare at him, but in that moment all I could do was smile._

 _"Just lift me up and I'll do the rest, it's really not that difficult." My own voice was light and playful even as he rolled his eyes and dipped his head to bite down on my shoulder, his words barely more than a whisper. "Fine, but don't expect me to twirl around after."_

 _Mingled laughter lasted only a moment until his hands gripped me at the hips and he lifted, giving me the height I needed to throw my head back, letting my upper body fall slowly over his shoulder, my legs locked into position while my arms moved slowly into place until my body was the perfect arc above and around him_.

 _After holding the position for a solid minute, he lowered me to a standing position in front of him. The music was soft in the background but his voice felt even softer. "You're beautiful." Our eyes met and with no hesitation, his lips were on mine, slow at first, almost in awe but soon became filled with that familiar desire. That sweet kiss morphed into a burning fire that erupted between us, and we became a tangle of clashing teeth, tongues and moaned breaths. His hands were everywhere, mine forever trying to get closer. His hair was a mess, mostly from my fingers pulling on it as his perfect lips explored my neck and throat. It was then that I felt the balance bar behind me, my hands moving to brace myself against it as his kisses grew even hungrier. My breath came heavy, his name barely a whisper on my lips, "Mase." I felt his smirk against my skin before those deep emerald eyes held my gaze, his voice dripping with the promise of more, "My Bellarina."_

His voice faded with the memory of his touch. I found myself staring at the very spot, my fingers ghosting across my lips, a single tear threatening to fall. It was a long time ago, I reminded myself as I found myself dropping my gym bag to the floor and moved towards the center of the studio. It was a rare occasion that I found myself wanting to dance but when I felt him.. that's when it came so easy. I kicked my shoes off and pulled out my phone, connected to the surround sound and set it down on the floor as the music started. One of his favorites, I realized without intending to do it but fell into position all the same.

My body moved gracefully, skilled and strong. I closed my eyes and let the height of the violins take me away from myself before the ivory keys and acoustic strings filled the room completely. Steps that were long forgotten, unpracticed yet smooth and perfect. Something inside myself snapped and the tears fell freely, the memory of him fresh in my mind as if it were only yesterday. But those happy moments, as always, became something else. Something dark. I wasn't remembering the feel of his lips anymore but instead, the icy cold rain that soaked me to my very core, my throat tightening as his agonized face came into perfect clarity.

" _Mase, please.. just stay." My own voice almost unrecognizable as I shattered before the man I loved. I felt it, the moment my heart finally broke. Until that moment, it was a fracture. A threat. But when I looked into his eyes and knew there was nothing I could say or do that would've been able to keep him there. With me._

 _"You know that I can't." His own words seemed to shake him, or maybe it was the cold, but he fell to his knees in that moment. His arms thrown around my waist as he kneeled in a puddle of freezing rain just to hold me, to beg me. I couldn't even hold him back. My fingers reached for his hair, something so natural, to twist gently in his mess of bronze locks and just be close to him but I couldn't do it. So I just stood there, scared and breaking._

 _His words barely registered as I stared at nothing, rain dripping down my face along with silent tears. "Come with me, Bella. Just.. leave it all here and come with me. I'll take care of you. We can get married, we could.." I cut him off as I pulled myself out of his arms and screamed at him to stop, the pain on my face must've been enough to silence him because there were no more words, just tears. His and mine._

 _"I can't.." My voice was nothing more than a rasped breath from the cold, my hands were balled into fists at my side and he stood, acceptance in his eyes. Two different paths, it was our crossroads staring us in the face and ripping the world out from underneath us._

My steps faltered and I just stopped dancing, ignoring the music, the entire world stopping as I stared at my reflection in the mirrors. Trying everything I could to steady myself, I closed my eyes and focused on the breaths coming unevenly. I had to climb back out of the memory, a place that I lost myself in way too often. A moment of regret so strong that I wished every day that I could go back and change it. I wished so badly that I could take it back. I should've went with him, it was what I wanted. _Him_.

Wiping at the tears now falling shamefully, I didn't bother to finish my dance, his dance. I just turned off the music and picked up my bag, turning the lights out as I left the studio for the night and started to walk home, ignoring the emptiness inside; as always. These moments when I was completely alone, they were the only times I let myself feel him. To the rest of the world, I was moving on but in my heart, I knew I never really would. Friends knew not to bring up his name around me and family knew better than to ask anymore. But these private, solitary dances were still only for him. These were the only dances. There was no more ballet. Only teaching moments. No more dreams of becoming something more. I lost all of it. Couldn't bear it without him in my life. Everything had stopped and turned cold. A life of promise was nothing more than a distant memory of what could've been. The truth is, when Mase left, something inside me died and music died with it.

I never got over him, over any of it. But I taught myself to live with it; the guilt. Even the anger. Even after all this time, I might have felt guilty for my own selfish choices but I didn't think I could ever stop being mad at him for his. Six years is a long time to miss someone and some days I just wished for it to stop. I've had my weak moments before, especially in the beginning. Late nights of uncontrolled sobbing, writing letters that I would never send and long drives across state lines just to lose my nerve and turn around and go home. I don't know how to make it stop hurting, maybe it never will. But at least I was better at hiding it.

I usually enjoyed my walks home at the end of the day, time to unwind and leave things behind me, not that it always worked. Sometimes I would pick up some Chinese food along the way and on the rare occasion, I would go the long way. Four extra blocks and a left to go two more. Just for a glimpse of the past. I never actually walked down that street but I would just stand on the corner sometimes, looking across the street to the corner building. Our old place. I could almost feel him standing there with me sometimes and tonight would be no different.

I turned the corner and stopped where I usually did, leaning against the brick wall across the street from our building. I looked up to the spot I knew so well and stiffened instantly. My eyes were fixed on the corner wall of glass, the living room. Holding my breath, I started at the bottom and counted the floors, making sure I was looking at the right apartment, even though I could never mistake it. The lights were dim but turned on. For the first time, all these years, the lights were on. I swallowed nervously as a wave of nausea rolled through me, and I closed my eyes so tight I gave myself a headache. My fingers were braced too hard on the bricks holding me upright and I forced myself to look again. Slowly, I opened my eyes, not sure what I wanted to see and stared at our apartment. It was dark.

Equal parts dread and relief washed over me, still afraid of my own feelings as I stared at the darkness that once again tricked my mind into hoping just for a moment. I didn't know what I would say or do or even think if Mase came back but I would never stop wondering if he would ever come back to this place.

Gritting my teeth I pushed all thoughts of Edward Masen from my mind and slipped back into the lie. The image I created to hide what was inside. The daily effort of a lonely girl who suffered in silence. I turned the corner and walked home, trying everything I could to ignore the nagging feeling deep inside me. Maybe I was crazy now but what if I didn't imagine it? But the lights couldn't have been on.. I shook the thoughts from my mind and pulled my phone from my pocket, temporarily ignoring the usual unread text messages until later. Another part of moving on, that I convinced myself was the right thing to do. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake the feeling that my mind wasn't merely playing tricks as it had so many other times. _That goddamn light was on._

authors note :

Thank you so much for all the follows, favorites and reviews. Please keep those reviews coming, we love all the feedback. Our next chapter goes back to Mase! See you soon!

~ Fireheart


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer: We do not own twilight. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. The authors are in no way associated or affiliated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. - I also do not own the song, music or lyrics written into this chapter. You can find the song "What about now acoustic version" by Daughtry.**_

" **I Just Came to Say Goodbye** "

a Fireheart story

Chapter 3

EPOV

The glow of the morning sun on a crisp November morning was the easiest way to ease back into old habits. It was also the easiest way to make me want to climb right back onto my goddamn couch and postpone the inevitable just a little while longer. Getting back to work was more than a job, it meant returning to the life I once had, just without the most important parts. It wasn't the routine I didn't want to return to, it was doing the little things within that routine.. without her.

Scrubbing a hand over the scruff of my jaw, I glanced in the bathroom mirror and decided against shaving, for no other reason than the fact that I just didn't feel like it. My hair, as usual, was untamable, sticking in more different directions than I cared to notice. I wore some thick sweats from old navy and a pair of Nikes that were probably just as outdated. I made a mental note to pick up some new clothes when I pulled on my once favorite navy blue FDNY tee shirt and noticed the way the hems of the sleeves hugged the extra muscle on my arms. Paired with the sleeve of ink, I looked like one of those douchebags you see at the gym who buy their shirts two sizes too small just to make their arms look bigger. _Great. I'll never hear the end of that at the station._

I rummaged through the closet in the still untouched bedroom and grabbed two pairs of tactical pants, my boots and a belt before stuffing them all into a gym duffle. I tossed it lazily by the front door, propping it open just enough so Jasper can come right in when he gets here. We agreed to run our asses to the firehouse today, being my first day back he wanted to make sure I could still keep up. I didn't have the heart to tell him I could probably run laps around all of them at this point.

Eyeing the half stale pack of cigarettes on the counter, I rolled my eyes at myself and pulled one out, lit the end and moved to the open window in the living room. Bella always hated when I smoked in here, not that it happened often. In truth, I don't even smoke that much. It was a rare occasion but this past week I've been so wound up being back here that I've been smoking more than usual. A habit I'll need to kick fast since I'll be back at work. Sitting there, looking out at the city, I couldn't help but miss her in that moment. The view of this city in the fall was something she adored, second only to her extra long season of Christmas. I even half laughed to myself as I glanced to the corner of the living room, right by the fire place where we put the Christmas tree. I'll never forget the look on her face when we got the tree home and the top of it scraped against the ceiling, bending over at least a foot. I told her it was too big but she just had to have it. " _It doesn't matter how big it is, what matters is that it's decorated with love, Mase."_ Her smile in that moment is one I'll never forget. The sound of her laugh when I lifted her up and spun her around, tinsel in her hair...

With a lick of my lips to wipe away the stale taste, I killed the cigarette out in a little ceramic flower pot and left it on the fire escape, leaving the window open to air it out. I pushed the memory down deep and shook off the feeling it left behind as I glanced at my watch; Jasper should be here in a few minutes. I walked towards the bedroom, approaching it with determination. I had to find a way to be in that room without having an emotional breakdown. I've been home almost a week and I have yet to even sit on that bed let alone sleep in it. I wasn't planning on sleeping on the couch forever but I just haven't been able to be in there yet. The memory of her was still so vivid I wasn't sure it would ever fade. Part of me hoped it didn't.

As I leaned against the frame of the bedroom door, I looked around the room, imagining a new way to arrange the furniture, maybe then I would be able to sleep in here. When I glanced behind the double doors of the closet, I saw the shimmer of silver and moved towards it, smiling to myself as I finally noticed my jet black, smooth as fuck, acoustic Taylor. I never kept my guitars in cases and even when I knew I'd be gone for a while, I left her out. I was slightly disappointed in myself for taking so long to notice her. I picked her up and walked back out to the living room to sit on the edge of the couch, still avidly avoiding sitting on the bed. With a gentle strum, I cringed at the slightly rusted strings and the off key pitch but after a few minutes, I tuned her up good enough to play a few chords.

It didn't take long to find myself along the strings, my fingers remembering better than my mind did. I could almost see her sitting by the fireplace, watching me play. She would wear these socks that went up to her thighs and one of my firehouse tee shirts as she lay on the chaise lounge in the corner, warm and cozy under a blanket before she would ask me to play for her. Sometimes she would sing with me and as much as she hated her own singing voice, I thought it was pretty goddamn perfect. Swallowing at the memory, I closed my eyes and let the music take me back to her in that moment.

This apartment always had amazing acoustics so I played often, but hearing the sound of my guitar after all this time, it felt more comfortable than the rest of it. More than my clothes or my stuff all over the place. It felt like home.. just with a gaping hole right in the center of it. I eased into the song, one I had played before but never held more meaning than it did for me right now. Strumming my fingers over the strings, I barely rasped out the lyrics at first, singing only to her, wherever she was.

 _What about now?_

 _What about today?_

 _What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?_

 _What if our love never went away?_

 _What if it's lost behind words we can never find?_

 _Baby, before it's too late,_

 _What about now?_

 _Now that we're here,_

 _Now that we've come this far,_

 _Just hold on._

 _There is nothing to fear,_

 _For I am right beside you,_

 _For all my life,_

 _I am yours._

 _What about now?_

 _What about today?_

 _What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?_

 _What if our love never went away?_

 _What if it's lost behind words we can never find?_

 _Baby, before it's too late,_

 _What about now?_

I wasn't sure when I started playing harder or singing louder but after a loud strum, I was interrupted when one of the rusted strings snapped in half and brought me back to the present, my voice a little strained from singing for the first time in a very long while. With a shake of my head, I smoothed my hand along the underside of the polished wood, lifting my guitar off my lap so I could lean her against the wall when a voice had my head snapping to the door.

"Oh, don't stop on my account." I stood slowly, my brows pulled together as I stared at the blonde leaning against the doorframe, her head just peeking in through the partially open door. At first glance, she was attractive enough, not in the classic kind of way but, different. Her hair was long, too white to be blonde and too fake to hold my attention for too long but her black dress held it a moment longer. My brow went up in silent question as I took in the way it hugged her waist a little too tight and her legs... Long. This blonde had legs for days and I realized I should actually speak words instead of just fuckin stare at her. When my eyes found hers, she was wearing a cocky grin, noticing the way I had let my eyes wander, not that it wasn't the exact reaction she wanted wearing that dress. I opened my mouth to say something as I moved towards the door, but she spoke again before I could.

"Sorry, I wasn't trying to be the creepy neighbor, I just heard you playing and well.." Her cheeks turned a little pink while she spoke and I couldn't help but flash her a crooked smile as she did her best not to stare at me the way I just stared at her. She chuckled a laugh she probably didn't mean to let out and shook her head. "Lauren. My name's Lauren." The long legged blonde held out her hand to shake mine and as amusing as I found the entire thing, I still had no idea why she was standing in my doorway.

"Edward. So we're neighbors?" I took my hand back and stood against the frame of the door, pushing it all the way open and let my eyes look over that dress one more time. Her eyes roamed more subtly than mine as she took in the ink and the insignia.

"Right! Yes.. neighbors." She looked embarrassed and pushed her hair behind her ear and I noticed a little bit of ink peeking around her wrist. Her eyes looked behind me, probably looking for any signs of anyone else in the apartment. "I'm actually the door at the end of the hall." When I glanced over her shoulder, I huffed a laugh as Jasper stepped off the elevator, his shirt matching mine but instead of sweatpants, he was wearing tacticals. The bastard was gonna run three miles to work in tacticals and boots. I just smirked over the top of the blondes head and watched him check out the back end as she still stood in my doorway.

"First week back and you're already inviting people over without me." At the sound of Jaspers voice, Legs turned quickly to face him, her eyes going straight to the firehouse emblem on his tee shirt.

"Another firefighter, must be my lucky day." Her voice never faltered as she looked between the both of us, her eyes too practiced to be subtle but her body suggested she was a little nervous.

"Sounds about right, Darlin. I'm Jasper by the way, Edward's much cooler and much more handsome best friend. And who might you be?" His voice and out of place accent always pulled the girls right in. I don't even know where that Southern accent comes from, he was born and raised in Queens for fuck sake. But it works and nobody ever brings it up.

With a breathy laugh, Legs turned back to smile over her shoulder and she flashed a somewhat innocent smile, though judging by that dress it was anything but. "I was just leaving. It was nice to meet you, Edward.. and you too, Jason."

I smirked like a bastard and scrubbed my hand over my jaw to hide my chuckle and watched as Jasper held up both hands with a shake of his head, calling after the blonde while he watched her ass walk away. "It's Jasper actually." His voice was void of amusement as the only person in history to not give in to his charms walked away with an extra sway of her hips all the way down the hall. There were apartments on either side of the hallway, but no, naturally, Legs had the apartment opposite of mine, her door facing mine with a dozen apartments in between us and just as many reasons for me to not notice.

Raising a brow at my lifelong friend, I clapped him on the shoulder, "Can't catch em all, Man." With a laugh, I turned back inside, running a hand through my hair as I looked around to make sure I had everything I needed. Wallet, phone, keys, gym bag. I barely noticed Jasper move to fridge to grab a bottle of water before we left the apartment and headed out. "Whatever, Man. If you don't put that to bed soon, I'll be more than happy to." I rolled my eyes at the forever charming idiot in front of me and stepped into the elevator, intentionally not looking at that damn door at the end of the hall.

I was no stranger to the occasional good time, but someone living in the same building as me was a little too close to home. I haven't had a relationship since Bella. Just the typical one nighters, forever avoiding any kind of emotion that came along with a pretty face. Truth is, I don't want it. I don't want to have any of the moments I had with her to be replaced by some stand-in. I probably needed some kind of therapy for that but as usual, I didn't really give a fuck.

Our run to the firehouse was just as expected. Jasper had no problems keeping up and we barely broke a sweat by the time we rounded the corner and came face to face with what looked like our newest rookie washing the truck. The red bay doors were open and there were two gorgeous engines washed and polished next to this one. My smile was genuine when I stepped in between them, admiring the pristine polish.

"Masen. Welcome home, Kid. Long time." My head snapped to the side, making immediate eye contact with our Captain. Carlisle Cullen had at least twenty five years on the job and was more than happy to give me my spot back. I laughed as I jogged over to where he stood, the usual stack of papers in his hands. "Guess you're not much of a kid anymore. You've gotta be almost thirty by now." I laughed again with a nod of my head, my hand pushing through my hair as I smiled at my old friend.

"Twenty nine, don't push it. Good to see ya, Cap." We shook hands and he introduced me to the rookie washing the truck, Seth something, and then pushed me back towards the lockers. My name was still right next to Jaspers, they never took it down. I felt a sense of pride at that and stroked a finger across the back of my gear. My name was embroidered across the back of my jacket and my fingers lingered only for a moment when the tones came through. Sirens blared and I watched as Jasper grabbed his gear, jumped towards the back of the truck with half the company, and threw me a middle finger salute with his signature smirk as the truck pulled out of the bay, running lights and sirens. I stood there, my hands in my pockets as I watched them go, wishing I didn't have to sign a bunch of bullshit papers before I could be out there with them.

After three ridiculous hours of signing papers, pissing in a cup and having my picture taken way too many times, I officially had my position back. I celebrated the end of my paperwork with a much earned cigarette out on the street. I sat there in silence until Jasper came out and sat next to me, nudging my knee with his. "You okay, Man?"

Flicking my half smoked butt into the street, I nodded but never made eye contact. "I wanna see her." I felt him go completely still before his words ever left his mouth.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" He looked concerned, whether for her or for me, I wasn't sure. With a half shrug, I stared out at the people on the street, ignoring the way he watched me.

"Probably not, but I just.. I wanna see if she's okay. I need to see it for myself. Just take me there. Wherever she teaches. I won't go in, I just need to see her." My brows were pulled together as my own words did nothing but piss me off. Bella was my girl.. mine. And I had to ask another guy where she was because I didn't even know. The weight of that punched me right in the chest as I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"You don't wanna talk to her, you just wanna see her." A minute went by and Jasper shook his head, sighing as he stood and stared down at me until I met his gaze. "Fine. I'll take you there but I remember what happened the last time you wanted to know how she was. I don't need you losin' your shit and doin' somethin' we both know will land both our asses in jail." _Well, he wasn't wrong._

"I'll be on my best behavior. No crying, no drunk singing and no throwing things. Scouts honor." With a dead stare, I watched Jasper turn his head towards the office, listening to a radio dispatch I couldn't hear before the lights flickered and the alarms went off. We raced back inside together this time, stepping into our gear as the truck blared to life in the bay. He turned to look at me as we climbed in the truck and strapped up our boots. "I'll take you there tonight, but I still don't think it's a good idea." I just smiled and he shook his head, grabbing a radio and latching it to his uniform before reading off the scene details to the truck behind us.

The rest of the shift went fast, too fast for twelve hours. Six fire calls and three medical calls but it was finally over and we had both showered and changed. I waited eagerly for Jasper to come outside even though I knew I would be an emotional wreck the moment I was alone in my apartment tonight.

The walk was familiar. On the other side of town, but just barely. The blocks went by quick, some of the stores the same, some new as we passed by them but I recognized almost everything. We rounded a corner and I slowed my steps, my eyes immediately landing on a store front window with pink ballet slippers and fancy gold writing.

"White Swan? She owns this?" I turned to look at Jasper and he just nodded, staring towards the little studio on the corner. It was almost seven o'clock at night, the place looked closed but there was a light on inside. I found myself incapable of swallowing.

"You wanna go in?" Jaspers voice was low, not pushy but weary. I just shook my head and didn't bother to try and find any words. He just knew. So with a clap on my shoulder, Jasper said he would see me tomorrow and left me to it. For that, I was grateful.

I don't know how long I stood there, waiting for any glimpse of her. _My Bella_. I was leaning against a brick wall across the street, a cigarette in hand as I watched and watched and waited. Finally, I caught a glimpse of shiny brown hair, pulled up into a ponytail. Her face was mostly hidden but it was enough to stop my heart dead in my chest.

It was too much and not enough all at the same time. I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to breathe in her scent and wrap my arms around her, beg her to forgive me. I couldn't do any of those things. I just stared, unmoving, fuck.. I wasn't even breathing.

Bella walked through the door and turned in place to lock up and before I knew it, I was moving. My body acted before my brain had a goddamn chance to catch up and I was internally cursing myself out. I followed far behind and stayed out of sight, never letting her see me as she made her way further up town. I could barely pay attention to where I was when she stopped dead in her tracks. I prepared to make any kind of excuse but came up with absolutely fuckin nothing. But it wasn't me that stopped her. I followed her gaze and once again, my heart almost dropped out of my chest. She was staring at my building. Our apartment. She didn't make any move to go closer or cross the street, she was just staring at it and I, at her.

Before I had time to consider what it all meant, Bella turned to the left and this time I didn't follow her as she walked much slower down that street. Every instinct in my body told me to go after her. To beg her not to hate me, but I couldn't do it. Not yet anyway. But I had a little bit of hope. She wouldn't have been here if she didn't miss me too. That was the thought I held onto as I forced myself to go upstairs and not chase her down the street. Bella was here. Maybe it was a start. I just had to find a way to work up the nerve to go get my girl back. Maybe she hated me now, I wasn't even sure. I wouldn't blame her if she did but I just need a chance to see her. To try and explain. Explain why I had to go, not that I hadn't tried before. I just needed a few minutes with her. Maybe she'd let me talk, just listen to what I had to say. I would tell her everything. All of it. Every goddamn night that I spent alone and broken, wishing she was in my arms. I would tell her I never wanted to leave, that I was in love with her. After all this time. That I always would be. If I can get her to listen... maybe she wouldn't hate me and maybe I'd have some kind of chance at making it up to her. I don't fuckin know, maybe she would slam the door in my face. But I had to find out either way. Laying on the couch, staring up at the dark ceiling, I made a decision to stop being a coward and started planning my apology along with a way to actually see her up close and do everything I could to get Bella to come home to me. It was dangerous to hold onto that hope, but she was here. _Bella was here._ It was all I needed.

 ** _Thank you for all the reviews, please keep them coming and follow us for updates! So, what do you guys think is coming in the next chapter? Also, if you wanna listen to the song from this chapter, it's "What about now" - Daughtry. The acoustic version! Leave us some love! xoxo_**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer: We do not own twilight. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. The authors are in no way associated or affiliated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**_

" **I Just Came to Say Goodbye** "

a Fireheart story

 **CHAPTER FOUR**

BPOV

The vibration of my phone saved me from an incredibly awkward conversation with the overbearing mother of one of my kids. Teaching little girls the art and magic of ballet was fun, but there were always a few uncoordinated ones that needed extra lessons just to keep up with the rest of the class. It was awkward trying to explain that to the parents but then again, come recital night, most of the kids got nervous and cried anyway. I excused myself politely, shuffled into my tiny office and leaned against the door with an exasperated sigh. I pulled out my phone and unlocked it, expecting something business related but was pleasantly surprised to see Rosalie's name pop up on the screen.

 **Let's do dinner. It's important. Don't say no.**

I laughed at the text and shook my head through my reply, knowing it was no use to say no to her, she would just show up here regardless. I typed out my reply as I plopped into my chair, my feet crossing over the edge of the desk.

 **Sure! 7:30?**

Her reply came quick, and I silently wondered to myself if this was guy important or Netflix binge worthy series important. One could never be too sure when it came to Rosalie Hale.

 **Yup! I picked up a 24 so we have to eat on the East side. Meet me at the weird Chinese place on the corner.**

I knew the place she meant and she wasn't kidding when she said it was weird. Half the things on the menu were spelled wrong and they had little umbrellas with creepy porcelain dolls all over the place, which didn't really match anything, but the food was good so we overlooked the weird factor. Usually.

 **Ok. You're buying :)**

I swiped out of our conversation and noticed the one right under it but wasn't really in the mood to open it just yet. Riley Biers. My not-so-something. I groaned internally at my own term because I knew what Riley wanted to talk about and I've been avoiding him for days now. It's not that I didn't want to talk to him, I just didn't want to have the conversation that would officially put a label on things. It's been a few months of good company and it was nice to have someone around to spend time with. If I'm being honest with myself, that's all it was for me. I met him a little over a year ago when I opened my studio. He worked out in the gym right next door, still does actually. We became friends and then he just kept getting closer and closer and for the last few months, he's been a little more. I like having him around and I enjoy his company but the few nights we've shared a bed, it was... _He just isn't Mase._

"Bella?" I was pulled from my thoughts as my assistant, Angela strolled into my office with a sobbing four year old who had a tutu related emergency. I laughed to myself and rounded the desk to drop down so I could face little Emily and wiped her tears before I helped her pull her tutu out from the back of her underwear and stockings.

Emily wiped roughly at her eyes and I leaned close to whisper, "It's okay, it happens to me too." There was a loud giggle at that and the tears magically ceased. I stood as I watched Emily run back to her class where she made a face and shook her little fist at the taller girl next to her before she took her place at the balance bar. Angela and I shared a look and almost laughed as she made her way back to the class as well. I went back to my desk and finished up some paperwork while the Littles class wrapped up the rest of their time.

I think dinner with Rosalie was exactly what I needed tonight. I hadn't told her that I went by the old apartment a couple nights ago. Or the night before that. We've been down that road before and I already knew exactly how that conversation would go, so I decided to save myself the trouble. Even if we didn't talk about the dramatics of our lives, it was good to just see her sometimes. It just made me feel better. There was always that moment where I would just see Mase, no matter what we did or where we were, I would see him. In a passing crowd or across a room. I always found his eyes. Sometimes he looked so real I couldn't tell if it was my mind or he was really standing there, which of course he never was.

We're all connected so it's inevitable that things would trigger a memory of my Mase. Rosalie is my lifelong best friend. We met in ballet class before we were old enough to even go to kindergarten. We've been through everything together; inseparable. One of her closest friends is Jasper Whitlock, who just so happens to be Mase's best friend. Needless to say, it's the reason I shied away from spending time with Jasper. It has been a while since I've seen my friend but it's just too hard to be around him. Wherever Jay goes, Mase was always right there beside him. To be around him was just a constant reminder of the gaping hole in my chest.

By the time I finished up at the studio, it was seven on the dot. If I walked fast, I would make it just a few minutes early to meet Rosalie for some Chinese, which I had been looking forward to since I got that text. I locked up the studio, slipped on my jacket and made my way across town with five minutes to spare. Doing my best to ignore the creepy dolls all over the place, I walked to our favorite table and waited for her before ordering anything. I pulled out my phone and finally read the messages that Riley sent, internally groaning at myself and my everlasting awkwardness around men.

Every time the bells chimed on the restaurant door, my head snapped up expecting to find Rosalie, who was now fifteen minutes late. My phone vibrated again and instead of saving it for later, I just swiped it open and typed out my excuse to Riley for not being around tonight.

 **Sorry, I can't. I'm having dinner uptown with Rosalie tonight. Maybe tomorrow**?

The little bubble popped up to tell me he was typing so I set the phone on the table while I waited for his reply and I finally ordered a drink, trying my best to be patient as my stomach grumbled. Again, the bells chimed and Rosalie finally appeared, flashing a big smile as she made her way over. All eyes in the restaurant were on her, as they usually were, but when Rosalie was in uniform, she looked more like EMS Barbie than anything else. Her long blonde hair was pulled into a ponytail and her hips still swayed even with the black tactical pants, belt full of gadgets and her black uniform shirt. The shirt was covered with patchwork for the FDNY and EMS Paramedics insignia and she was still donning a very classy, very loud radio that kept people's eyes on her.

Signaling her over, I looked down at my phone once more, glancing at the message that waited there for me. As if sensing my awkwardness, Rosalie sat down across from me and raised a perfectly shaped brow, silently nudging me to reply to whom she knew would be Riley. I rolled my eyes and read over his text before sending one of my own.

 **I miss you, Bells. Just come over after dinner so we can talk?**

I couldn't help but sigh as I typed my reply. He was forever calling me a name I hated, not that I've ever told him so but it still bothered me all the same. I typed my reply and sent it too quickly, hoping he would get the hint and back down. I told him I was just busy and that I'd talk to him tomorrow.

"Are you ditching Riley again?" Her voice was amused but I knew better; She was concerned. With good reason. Rosalie knew all too well how deep my depression ran and now that I was starting to show signs of life again, she didn't want me falling back into old habits. I didn't blame her for worrying, if the tables had been turned, I would make sure she was doing alright too. Even if it was all the time.

"I'm not _ditching_ him. I'm just.. not in the mood to be so.." I paused searching for the right word as she watched me with a sketchy brow. "Smothered." Even I cringed as the word escaped my lips. Rosalie frowned and picked up the menu, shaking her head as she skimmed the pages.

"I think he just really cares about you, Bella." She could've been right, hell, she probably was but I just wasn't there. I didn't know how to explain that to Riley himself but it was easy to talk about it with Rose.

"I just think this whole thing means more to him than it does to me. I don't want to hurt him but he's pushing for a relationship." I opened my own menu and skimmed the pages of usuals and settled on sautéed broccoli, pork fried rice and an eggroll. I also ordered a side of chicken and rice soup to go with it. When our waitress collected our menus, we picked up our conversation, and I received that same old look from my best friend.

"You said the same exact thing about Jake and he was great for you too." She offered a sympathetic smile and folded her hands, her eyes dropping just for a moment but I knew something was up.

"What is it?" My voice was low, quiet and wracked with nerves as I watched the way her head tilted slightly to the side. Something was definitely up. I braced myself and nearly jumped out of my seat when her radio went off, dispatching a call that she half heartedly listened in on until she decided it was barely out of her jurisdiction, but she was still second due, so she kept the volume up. My gaze settled on her again, anxious to know what was worrying her so much.

"Bella, I have to tell you something and I don't really know how to say it." She pushed some loose strands of baby hairs out of her face and focused her eyes on me, my own stomach dropping as my mind went through a hundred different possibilities.

"Are you pregnant?" I blurted the words with shock on my face as I stared wide eyed at her from across the table. Not that it would've been a bad thing. Rosalie wanted children for as long as I could remember but she had only just started dating Emmett and he was her EMT so if anyone found out about their relationship, she'd probably be at risk of losing her job, or at least be reassigned to a new station. Rosalie gaped at that, a breathy laugh escaping her as she shook her head.

"Definitely not, although, that would be fun." She breathed another laugh but it sounded more nervous than anything else. "Look, Bella I'll just say it but I need you to stay relaxed and remember that whatever you want to do, I'll back you up. Always. Just try not to freak out, okay?"

"Okay…" I couldn't feel my legs, it was more like just nervous tingling sensations that shot up from my legs traveling all the way up to the top of my head. I knew my face was red, blushing with either fear or extreme paranoia. Either way, I was pinned to the chair I was sitting in as I released a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. "Rose, just say it." My voice was tight, cold and petrified for the news that was coming. _Was someone hurt? Dead?_ In her field, with so many of our friends, it could've been anything. I could barely hear the sound of my own voice as a loud ringing of nerves took over my entire body. I stared at her, unmoving as her eyes finally met mine again, her hands steadied on the table between us.

"It's Edward. Bella… he's back." My mind was completely blank, my hands and feet nothing but pins and needles and my chest felt like someone had just cracked it wide open. I couldn't move, I couldn't even speak, I just swallowed a few times as I processed what she just said. I tried my best to form words but the only sound that came out was a whisper of his name.

"Mase?" It was nothing more than shaky breath, but his name falling from my lips had my head spinning immediately. "He's home?" I had always imagined how I would feel at this very moment but it was so much more than I ever anticipated. At least a dozen questions ran through my mind at the same time, overwhelming me in my own feelings. _He was home. Was he safe? Would he look for me? Would he even want to see me? How did she know he was home? Did she see him? God.. what if I run into him?_ It was an onslaught of chaos packed into my head and wrapped up in every emotion that came along with the mention of Edward _Fucking_ Masen.

As if reading my mind, Rosalie leaned closer over the table and spoke softly, her words barely audible over the screaming in my head to go and find him. "Jasper told me. He's back at the firehouse. He came home last week. Jasper wanted to tell you himself but he knows that he makes you uncomfortable." If it had been any other moment, I would have felt guilt at the thought of my friend admitting that I had such a hard time looking at his face. But all I could think about was Mase and my head was still spinning when Rosalie hissed her words and jumped from the table, throwing some cash down before yelling into her radio.

"Control, EMS-main, Medic one, two-eight responding." She moved so fast, I couldn't even process what was happening until I heard the dispatch and her eyes locked with mine before she headed for the door. "I'm second due to two-six, I have to go. Please stay here, it's not good if they're calling for backup." The static of the radio followed her out the door and I was still as wide eyed as a deer in headlights at the thought of Mase being home when it hit me. Two-six Engine is Mase and Jaspers firehouse.

My legs were moving before my mind could catch up. I didn't know where the call was, but I knew I was close. The sirens were coming, only a few blocks away so I followed the sounds. The flashing lights could be seen from blocks away, more sirens than usual when the trucks came through. My heart dropped into my stomach when I saw the plume of smoke billowing over the tops of the city buildings.

The sirens pierced my ears as I turned the corner and at least a dozen police cars blocked off traffic to the street from every angle. Officers were ushering people away from the burning building but the smoke enveloped them all quickly. I moved slowly but my mind, even slower, still hadn't processed everything it needed to in order to make better decisions. _I just needed to see him_.

The fire trucks were parked in all different directions and thanks to Mase and Jasper, I knew what each of them were for. I knew two-six was an engine company and that they had three house companies with them; recon and a ladder company to follow close behind. The flames that erupted from every window of the apartment building were bright red and orange, mesmerizing; horrifying. But the screaming of voices all meshed together in the chaos and there was no way to tell who was saying what. The police had barricaded the scene from pedestrians and wouldn't let anyone get much closer but I pushed my way through the crowd to get a better look. My hands were shaking but I stood focused and unwavering as the crowd pushed and swayed. People were taking pictures, recording videos and crying in every direction but I did my best to ignore it all, hoping for a glimpse of who I so desperately needed to see with my own eyes. I didn't even know if he was working tonight or if Jasper would even be here, but I wasn't going anywhere until I found out.

I looked around to all of the scattered ambulances, for any sign of Rosalie but it was hard to make out their faces with all the smoke. I snapped my head to the sound of high pressure water and spotted the two-six engine. "Mase?" My breathy voice couldn't have been heard by anyone else but his name came out anyway, my eyes wide and scanning for any sign of him. When the water finally hissed at the flames, there were a handful of firefighters on the hose, screaming orders to one another over the roar of the flames and the anguished screams of the crowd around us as a second engine company pulled up front next to them, mirroring their actions. The ladders were extending toward the high floors of the building, and there were officers on the ground, people were running everywhere, still pouring out of the building as it became completely engulfed in flames. All I could do was watch in fear for any sign of Mase, Rosalie, Jasper and everyone else I knew who was about to run inside that building. As badly as I wanted to see his face, even for a moment, I prayed he wasn't working tonight. That was when I saw a glimpse of a name on the back of a jacket. _Masen._

I don't know when I started moving but an officer threw his arm out across my chest to keep me from getting anywhere near him. I was crying, much like the others around me, but not nearly for the same reason. I screamed his name but to no avail, there was no way he could hear me, but I watched in a state of panic as Mase pointed to others before taking his place on the nozzle. He was going to be the first one inside. The entire world stopped moving as the line of them pushed forward and vanished behind a wall of flame.

[~]

 **PART TWO**

 **EPOV**

The scene erupted into organized chaos and everyone knew their job, where they should be and who was behind them. Orders were barked out between the screams and cries of civilians lining the streets. The blare of the sirens died down, apart from departing ambulances, already transporting some of the injured. Strike teams were in place and the paramedics were all over the ground level, treating anyone they could while others were covered with white sheets. I did my best not to think about how many. Not yet.

I checked the back of the line, making sure they all knew their place before taking my own at the nozzle. On my count, we pushed the line straight through the ground level, entry doors. The smoke was already too thick for us to make it all the way to the top and Jasper knew it the moment I did. We shared a look and pushed forward anyway as hundreds of gallons of water and foam cleared the way.

Moving carefully, we checked the stairwells to make sure we wouldn't fall through and sprinted up as many flights as we could, looking for any sign of trapped civilians along the way. A few were spotted, some alive... some already dead. Our guys grabbed as many as they could before the building became a little quieter. It was a bad sign, not one that a lot of people would catch but I knew it well. It was the silence before all hell broke loose.

Jasper was close behind me, one hand on my jacket, the other reaching to push away debris that fell around us. I dropped back and let our third push the nozzle while Jasper and I tested the walls, the floors and banged on apartment doors. We could still hear people inside and we were already communicating with command, waiting for the others to clear a path. The smoke thickened as some of the flames on our side extinguished but the other side of the building was still completely engulfed. We didn't have much time to get this under control.

We cut the power to the building and turned off all the gas lines while others worked to clear a path up another flight of stairs but that was when we felt it. The entire building seemed to rumble, just for a moment, but before our radios even blared to life I was screaming for everyone to fall back. We had to be careful to use the same exact path we took to get up here. I barely heard his voice between the gear and the blaze of the fire on the other side of the wall.

"We have to get out, pull them back, we have to evacuate." Jasper was screaming into the radio on his jacket while he grabbed our guys with the other hand and forced them back down the stairs we just raced up from. By my count, we had only made it to the fifth floor and I felt a huge weight of pressure and guilt to know that there were still people stuck up on this floor and the ones above it. Nobody was coming for them.

I stood in the middle of the stairwell between the fifth and sixth floors, watching as our company evacuated back down, the debris of caving walls already obstructing the path we cleared. I glanced up, saying a silent prayer for anyone still trapped above me. I debated for a moment on how fast I could make it up just one more flight. I felt Jasper pull me by my jacket, using more force than I remembered him being capable of. His words rang out loud and clear, even through his helmet and shield. "NO. You aren't going up there. Move out. Right fuckin' now."

He was right. I couldn't save them, we were too late. My words would never be heard, but I said them anyway as I gave one last look behind me towards the stairs already black with smoke. "I'm sorry."

We moved quickly but cautiously as the support beams started to drop all around us. One of our guys went down towards the front of the line but two others grabbed him and pulled him out. Jasper and I were the last two to come out of the building and the scene around us was even more chaotic than it was on the inside.

Medics were working on people in every direction, equipment being flung haphazardly all around them. There were husbands searching for their wives and children searching for their parents but I wasn't entirely sure any of them would be found at this point. There were too many victims and not enough resources. When this call came in, we all thought it was going to be an in and out job, but things went bad really fuckin' quick.

I wiped the sweat from dripping into my eyes as I pulled my helmet off, searching for our coolers. I spotted Jasper chugging a bottle of water and made my way towards him, standing near the back of our engine when we finally found Rosalie. Jasper had been looking for her since we came out of the building. I tossed her a bottle of water and she drank it faster than even I had slammed mine. There was blood in her hair, on her clothes and her typically pale face was covered in black ash. Jasper and I didn't look much better, minus the blood. We were just about to circle around to our command post when another explosion sent people running and screaming.

Rosalie was there, helping a small woman crawl away from the building's entrance while she held her leg. The woman was bleeding and limping, but that's not what caught our attention. It was the way she screamed and pointed to the building, crying for someone to find her children. Two kids, it sounded like as we listened in, eyeing our Captain as Rosalie did her best to calm the woman and walked her towards the back of a waiting ambulance. She tried to put the woman on oxygen but she was too frantic and started pushing her away, moving towards the building. That's when Captain Cullen came over and said as quietly as possible that there was no way we could get anywhere near the third floor where this lady said the kids were stuck. The dwelling was no longer stable and we couldn't risk going back in, either internally or on the ladder.

People remained yelling over each other and the chaos only grew as the flames erupted completely out of the entire top half of the building. The flashing lights illuminated the entire block and the way the fire lit up the night sky, it looked like something in a photograph. Just a hell of a lot more horrifying. I turned away from the building and risked a glance at the people on the street. The cops had the barricades up, blocking off the scene as much as they could but so many of those people were still way too close. I was just about to head to the back of the truck to grab the meters, curious about the temperature coming out of the building when I noticed the smallest glimpse of that familiar chestnut color.

It wasn't much, barely a speck of color in a crowd of so many, but I stepped around the truck and took a few steps closer, looking through smoke, dust, ash and what had to be a few hundred people lining the streets. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw her. " _Bella?"_ My own voice was nothing more than raspy breath but her name fell from my lips and when her eyes locked with mine, it took everything in me to stay upright and not fall to my knees before her.

I don't know if it was ten seconds or ten minutes that I stood there, not even blinking as I stared into her swollen, tear filled eyes. I saw her mouth move and even over the crowd and chaos, I could swear I heard her say my name. It looked like she tried to come towards me but the police officer holding her back wouldn't let her come any closer, which was a good thing because she was already too close to the nightmare raging behind me. I could vaguely hear Jasper calling my name from somewhere behind me but I couldn't find it in me to look away from her.

The next moments happened so fast that I could barely keep up with my own thoughts as the scene unfolded before my very eyes. Everything around me had gone completely silent, completely still. The chaos didn't exist, or at least it just didn't matter. I could see the reflection of flashing lights in her eyes, no matter how much space was between us. The pain in those eyes was enough to pull me towards her. All I saw was her. All I wanted… was _her_. One moment, I was locked eyes with Bella, the urge to run to her so strong that I couldn't even find my goddamn breath. The next moment, the world I had silently been hoping for came crumbling down and my eyes finally broke away from hers as a pair of arms wrapped around her, ripping her out the bubble we were just lost in. I blinked back every emotion that ran through me and studied the expression in her face. She blinked up at the man who held her and seemed confused to see him, but knew him enough not to pull away from him. He met my gaze briefly and spoke words to Bella that I couldn't make out. He kissed the top of her head and started to pull her back, away from the scene and away from me.

My fists were balled at my sides, the bile rising in my throat at the realization that Bella wasn't mine anymore, not that I expected her to wait for me, but I still had hope. Especially since she had shown up at our place, just staring. It gave me some kind of hope to cling to and even now, the way she looked at me. I just couldn't accept that. I knew the look in her eyes, it was the same one I wore when I saw her. There was no way it was over between us. I met the eyes of whoever held her and the rage that I felt when his brow raised at me was unparalleled.

As I watched the bastard try to pull Bella away, I felt hands on the back of my jacket, pulling me away at the same time. _Jasper._ I didn't register his words as the world came back into focus, but I could see his lips moving and I blinked a few times before I knew what was happening. I stole another glance at Bella who was still staring at me, tears in her eyes, and it almost looked as if she was trying to get out of the guys grip to get closer to where I stood. The world slammed me back to reality and Jaspers voice was demanding as I stumbled back. The entire moment couldn't have later more than a minute or two but it felt like an eternity.

"Deal with that later. We have to go… Mase. Look at me. We have to go." Jasper kept pulling me away, but my eyes were still locked on Bella and I realized she looked so scared that I had to follow her gaze. _Rosalie._ We all watched in horror as Rosalie sprinted for what was left of the buildings front entrance. Jasper yelled for whoever was closest to stop her as he dropped his hold on me and started running straight towards her.

"Stop her!" Jasper was frantic as he watched Rosalie run straight into the unstable building that was fully engulfed in flames. His voice was loud, broken and terrified as he called out her name, his eyes wide as he ran through the chaos and crowds of emergency services personnel working the scene.

"Jasper, don't!" My own voice was filled with horror as I broke away from the trance Bella had me in and I started running after Jasper. As I moved through the herd of firefighters and EMS, I heard them talking about the children stuck inside. My eyes went straight to the woman that had been screaming about her kids and it all clicked into place. Searching the windows of the building, I didn't see a single one that was accessible with the ladder truck and knew Rosalie was running in there to grab those kids. "Fuck!" The horror at that realization had me running even faster, putting my helmet and mask back on as I ran harder, trying to catch up to Jasper who had already disappeared behind the wall of black smoke pouring out from the buildings entrance.

I could hear everything so vividly in that moment. Jasper screaming after Rosalie, who ran into a burning building with absolutely no fire gear whatsoever. I heard my Captain ordering the entire company to stop all of us as we ran straight for the front door of hell. I heard those kids crying for help over the roar of the fire and I heard Bella. Through the madness, through the crowd, through everything. I heard her voice. It was one horrific scream; One name. "Mase!"

I ran into the building in a desperate attempt to stop my best friend from getting himself killed as he did the same thing for Rosalie. It happened fast, too fast. First we heard the explosion a split second before we felt it. The walls came down around us as I was reaching for Jasper, who was still screaming Rosalie's name when the stairwell crumbled to dust. Everything went dark and way too quiet and I knew we were all fucked, but the only thought I had in my mind was that I had to survive this. I had to get back to Bella. _It wasn't over._

 ** _A/N: Hope you all enjoyed the double chapter! Thank you for the love on this story, we are so happy you're all enjoying it. I know you're all worried about Mase, keep your eyes peeled for chapter 5! Please please please keep reviewing! Favorite us & follow for updates! Feel free to send us any questions you may have. Happy Thanksgiving! _**

**_~ Fireheart_**


	5. Chapter 5

_**Disclaimer: We do not own twilight. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. The authors are in no way associated or affiliated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended**_

" **I Just Came to Say Goodbye** "

a Fireheart story

 **CHAPTER FIVE**

 **EPOV**

The sky was grey, lined with clouds as thick as the heaviness all around us. Thunder rumbled in the distance, not close enough to us yet but it lingered with the promise of impending downpour. The air was thick but I wasn't entirely sure it was solely from the storm headed this way.

My back was painfully straight, my shoes buffed and shined and my collar was buttoned so tight, I could barely turn my neck and swallow at the same time. The buttons of my uniform were polished and the patches were steamed. The pleats of my pants were pristine, as well as the hat that brimmed my brows. I swallowed back the thickness of emotion as I tried my best to focus on those small details as opposed to looking out at the scene before me.

For blocks, the street was lined and crowded on either side with dressed Firefighters, Police Officers and EMS personnel and just as many civilians. There were thousands of us here today. Not hundreds, thousands. The FDNY and the NYPD always come together when these things happen, you just never imagine that it'll be so close to home when it does.

Fire engines, police cars and ambulances paraded torturously slow down the avenue, lights on, sirens on. We stood, saluted and watched in silence, in horror but mostly in honor as we watched a group of uniformed men carry our fallen hero.

The mahogany casket was draped in a perfectly placed American flag. A sense of pride barreled through me at the honor it symbolized, one I would someday leave behind as well. When the procession paused, the trucks came to a halt in front of our company. The first truck carried the family of those two kids who were pulled from the fire. They were both alive and well, getting better at a children's hospital, in the burn unit.

The District Chief stood near the honorably decorated casket and grabbed his radio, my throat tightening as if on cue. The Chief performed the Final Call Dispatch and repeated the words twice. We stood for two minutes of radio silence, the only sound was the wind stinging our eyes and the distant thunder that felt closer every minute.

When the trucks started moving again, I felt my nostrils flare as my breath came too controlled, practiced. My tears would come later. I had to remain professional, strong in my uniform. It was an honor for us to be remembered this way and we weren't supposed to show sadness. When a loss this tragic happens, there's no amount of self control that could possibly hold back that kind of sadness. There were tears and sniffles all around us but I did my best to hold it in just a little while longer.

Instead of focusing on the decorated casket, I started looking through the crowd of faces on the other side of the street. Many were uniformed, just as many were not. Some of them I recognized, some I didn't but if I was being honest with myself, I was only looking for one face. The first half an hour went by and there was no sign of her, but I knew she was here. Everyone was here. I kept searching faces, hair, jackets, I looked behind the crowds to the doorways and corners behind everyone. Nothing.

It wasn't until I turned around to make sure nobody ran into the firehouse that I finally saw her. _Bella._

My throat went completely dry and tightened at the sight of her. I couldn't even get to her, not yet. I couldn't leave the line until the casket was at least two blocks away. Protocol held us in line long after the precession so the press assholes can get their coverage. Photographers were everywhere, intruding on an honorable tradition that they turned into a headline spectacle.

Bella was standing near the firehouse bay, her long hair free in chocolate waves that went all the way down to her waist. Her coat was white, simple but dainty. She was unmistakable and when she caught my gaze, fuck… she _smiled at me_ and it was the saddest smile I had ever seen. I felt the weight of the sadness in that smile and all I could do was nod, my eyes raging under the surface, trying to tell her that we would have our moment but not yet.

My attention fixed on the marching firefighters that carried an open American flag behind the casket, their steps were practiced, they had probably done this at least a dozen times, we all had but it's different when you lose one of your own. My eyes closed at the emotion threatening to surface and all I saw behind closed lids was the moment it happened. The moment that changed everything.

 _I knew it was coming. The minute that the building collapsed, I knew it would be the end for someone if not all of us._

 _The way the air seemed to thicken, it made it hard to breathe, even with our gear. I knew that if we didn't reach Rosalie before she made it up that first stairwell, she would never survive it. She ran into the building completely unprotected. Not even an oxygen mask._

 _We didn't have a lot of time, I knew that. From experience, but also because of what we called 'the black hole' factor. When a buildings structural damage was too severe, there was a certain kind of smell. Not one of fire and ash or smoke residue but it was deeper than that. It was so strong you could taste it in your mouth. Rotting steel and melting cement. The final stages of a structures collapse._

 _The air was being ripped from our lungs and the path was completely obstructed, my vision blurred and the walls were collapsing inward like jagged spikes closing in on us. I couldn't see Rosalie anymore, I couldn't even hear Jasper screaming her name. Between the roar of the flames and the bending of steel, I couldn't even hear myself think. I could barely make out the letters on the back of Jaspers jacket. He was just out of reach._

 _My training told me to turn and duck for cover but my instincts told me that my best friend was about to be swallowed whole by a collapsing wall of fire and steel. When the final beams of the building came down, Jasper lunged for Rosalie, covering her unprotected body with his own._

 _My own voice was too raspy, too choked to understand but I could tell that he tilted his head back just a little. He knew I was right there with him. If this was it, at least we weren't facing it alone. The only thoughts running through my mind were those of regret._

 _They say, when you're on the verge of death, your life flashes before your eyes. Well, that didn't exactly happen. Not entirely. It was the lives of everyone else that I saw._

 _First it was my mother. Elizabeth Masen. She gave up dreams of her own so she could be the wife of a proud military man. So she could be a mother to me. She was gentle and kind, always supportive and proud of everything I did. She encouraged me to be my own man, despite the efforts of my father._

 _A Marine. My father was a First class Lieutenant. Edward Masen Sr was not only a strong man who thrived on pride and honor but he was also the reason for some of my biggest regrets in life._

 _The final face was my biggest regret of all. The guilt of my choices came crashing down on me, still remembering the way she had screamed my name only moments ago while she watched me run inside this goddamn building. Something inside me finally broke, whatever pieces of myself that I had held onto for so long. It all crumbled down with the walls of this building. I was wrong. I made so many mistakes, ones that I would give anything to be able to fix._

 _It was all so clear in that moment. I looked back on a life of regret with perfect clarity. The reasons I had for leaving, they may have been respectful but they were wrong. I was so fucking stupid. Right then and there I swore to myself that if I had any chance at all of surviving this fucking nightmare, I would do anything and everything to make it right with Bella._

 _Reaching a second time, I lunged for Jasper, managing only to grab the back of his jacket before I felt the weight of fallen cinder blocks on my back, trapping me in place. I tried to pry myself free when I heard Jasper scream out, but it was no use. Both of my legs were stuck, my left arm was trapped and my right hand was still clutching Jaspers jacket. I felt the heat rise and knew we only had moments left. I closed my eyes with a heavy sadness filled with regret and accepted a fate that I thought was mine._

 _I breathed her name only once, wanting her face to be the last thought in my mind but as soon as I did, there was a relief from the heavy pressure at my back. There was a hand then, ripping me out from the rubble and though I couldn't see who it was through the thick smoke that swallowed us whole, I had a feeling I knew who it was. All I could do was shake my head as I choked my way through the path of smoke and ash. I couldn't leave Jasper but after a moment, I realized I didn't have to._

 _Jasper was being pushed towards me, a limp form in his arms as we made our way towards what was left of the main entrance to the building. It wasn't more than a giant hole under broken beams and a walkway of crumbled cement, but we found the way out. Once we were touching asphalt, I pulled off my mask and sucked in a deep breath. The outside of my helmet had melted so badly that the insignia was gone._

 _The chaos of the scene had only intensified when a group of firefighters started screaming and raising a ladder towards a window. Inside, the two trapped children were being pushed through it, covered in blankets. We had a small applause as the children were carried down the ladder but then there was an explosion. A big one. Everyone stared wide eyed as the ladder fell from the building, landing in pieces on the street below it. There were more screams, even over the high pitched ringing in my ears, and I tried to get to my feet. In that moment, it wasn't a guess anymore, I knew exactly who had pulled us out of the rubble._

 _I felt a hand on my shoulder, pulling me back, away from what used to be a building. I hadn't even realized that I was moving towards it. I barely recognized my own voice as I screamed his name. As I stared at the fire that swallowed the building whole, tears fell from my eyes, black soot plugged my nose and throat. Strong hands fought against my every movement, preventing me from getting to him, preventing me from helping. They were all just leaving him in there. Alone. My screams grew louder. Agonized and strained rasps in between fits of coughing and choking. There was nothing we could do but watch as one of our own sacrificed himself to save those kids. To save Jasper and Rosalie. To save me. Captain Carlisle Cullen gave his life for us and all we could do was cry in the street while our engine companies doused what was left of the fire._

 _By the time the smoke settled and the flames died out, we were able to send strike teams in to recover the body. A group of men emerged, carrying the remains under a white sheet. Every firefighter, police officer and paramedic on scene took a knee as they carried our fallen Captain._

Tears finally fought their way through and fell from my eyes at the painful memory, still fresh in the ache of my heart. I felt too many emotions to be able to focus on a single one of them. It was heart wrenching to lose our Captain, our friend. Our brother. Even as the tears fell, I was still so angry over the tragic turn of events. He didn't have to die, not for us. It was so goddamn stupid to run into that building. It was stupid on all our parts. It was reckless and it cost us something we could never get back. It was our fault and I knew deep down that it was yet another burden I would carry with me for the rest of my life.

Once the procession was out of sight, we held the line until we were dismissed by the Chief. The moment that I wasn't duty bound to keep my composure, I revert back into my mind. I have no recollection of what happens, the world around me a blur as I relive the moment that everything went to shit over and over again. I don't know how much time has passed, but when I come to my senses, I notice that the funeral procession is long gone, the streets have cleared out and the rain has started to fall in the midst of thunder and distant flashes of light across the grey sky.

Swallowing back my emotions, I finally turn back towards the firehouse and realize just how quiet it is here now. Most of our house was following the body to the burial site but we couldn't leave the house unattended so some of us had to work the rest of the shift. Jasper, myself and a few others would meet up at the restaurant later for the memorial dinner.

Silently cursing myself, I look around with desperation, searching for Bella but who knows how long ago she took off. She was probably already with everyone else. I only hoped I would be able to catch up with her tonight at some point.

By the time I made it to the restaurant, most of the tears had thankfully dissipated and the sad gathering became more laid back. People were having dinner, mingling and having a few drinks in the bar, which was exactly where Jasper and I were headed.

We both shook a ridiculous amount of hands and said one too many detached 'thanks you's' before we could flag down a bartender and get a drink. A toast followed and the entire department raised their glasses to our friend, our hero. After a few shots, I felt a delicate hand on my arm and was momentarily stunned when I dropped my face down to meet the eyes of Esme Cullen, Carlisle's wife. I hadn't seen her since I'd been back in town, but from what I knew of Esme, she was a sweet woman who didn't deserve to become a widow so early in life.

"I wanted to thank you, Edward. My husband was very fond of you and I know you lost a great friend last week. I know you tried to stop him, so I wanted to offer my gratitude." Her voice was sad, but confident as she reached up and wrapped her arms around me in a hug. "Nobody could've stopped him, Edward. Carlisle was many things, and stubborn was one of them. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate you trying."

Clearing my throat, I hugged her back, eyeing Jasper as he half shrugged, neither of us knowing exactly what we were supposed to say.

"Mrs. Cullen, your husband wasn't just our Captain. He was my friend. For a long time, he was the closest thing I knew to a father figure and he _will_ be missed. I'm so sorry this happened." My words were genuine and when tears threatened to spill from her already swollen eyes, Esme just nodded and patted my arm with a soft smile. After excusing herself, she disappeared through the crowded bar and I found myself feeling a little less weight on my shoulders.

A few drinks later and most of the guys from the firehouse were pretty well intoxicated, myself included. I spent most of my night dodging cryers and awkward conversation, and the rest of it searching the crowded rooms for Bella. I knew she would be here even though her friend Rosalie was still laying in a hospital bed at Saint Vincent's. I hadn't been up to the hospital to visit her, but I knew Jasper made it a point to go every single night and that she was admitted for burns, smoke inhalation and head trauma. The doctors said she was lucky and would be able to go home soon. Jasper knew that I had sent flowers to her but couldn't show up there in person at the risk of running into Bella. We couldn't talk that way, not for the first time. So, I gave her the space she needed and tried my best to be patient.

Another shot and the hugging started. Jasper and I had always been close but when we drank too much, we either got silly or emotional, and tonight, unsurprisingly, it was emotional. We hugged each other a few times and thanked each other for not dying. He thanked me and then yelled at me for following him into that building and the other guys, our brothers in arms, the bastards, they fuckin' laughed and took photos of us embracing each other, which I had no doubt would resurface later on.

My eyes had been scanning the restaurant all night, but we were hours into our get together before I spotted Bella across the bar. Her hair looked so silky that I wished I could run my fingers through it, and for whatever reason, that was all I thought about for a solid two minutes. I grabbed my beer bottle off the bar and clapped Jasper on the shoulder to let him know that I'd be right back as I made my way across the room.

Her eyes met mine as I moved through the crowd, slowly making my way towards her, but when I was close enough to call out her name, some asshole bum rushed her from the side. I watched as his arm wrapped around her waist and he pulled her face to his, kissing her lips in a way that made me want to rip his face off.

I felt my brows pull together and didn't try to hide my dislike for what I had just witnessed as Bella lifted her gaze to meet mine once more, her cheeks flushed pink in embarrassment. She tried to hide behind her hair and when I shifted my gaze, I found the fucker staring at me, a cocky grin on his face. He knew who I was then. _Dick._

Changing my path, I ducked left and headed straight for the men's room, wanting nothing more than to avoid witnessing something like that again. I cringed at the thought, but it didn't escape my notice that my fist clenched at my side as it replayed in the back of my mind. I splashed some water on my face and looked at myself in the mirror, noticing just how exhausted I really looked.

The bass of the music from the bar vibrated against the bathroom walls and it was a strange contrast to the calm, quiet I was greeted with when I stepped out into the hallway. There was a quiet corner between the mens room and the ladies room with a few couches, little tables and a coat closet. As I was about to turn the corner, I came face to face with Bella, she was leaning against the wall outside the restroom.

"I didn't really have to pee." Her voice was hushed as she stood there, her fingers fumbling with the hem of her dress. She shook her head and laughed to herself but I wasn't sure why as my whiskey clouded haze left me staring at the way she looked in that little black dress. "We haven't spoken in so long and those are my first words to you." She looked down in embarrassment, hiding her face from me and I didn't like it. I spent way too long wishing I could look into her eyes again. I wasn't going to let her hide from me.

"Bella…" I wasn't sure what I wanted to say or how to say it, I didn't even know where to start, so I went with somewhere around the beginning. "I'm sorry. I missed you. You have no idea how much I need to say to you." As she looked up at me, some guy made to pass us as he was headed for the men's room. To let him through, I moved closer to Bella to give him room and she didn't flinch as her back hit the wall behind her once more. Our eyes locked and I made no attempt to pull away as I stared down into her eyes. "You screamed my name. At the fire. I heard you." At my words, her lower lip trembled and she pulled it between her teeth, an audible catch in her breathing. It was such a Bella thing to do, I wanted to brush my thumb over it like I used to be able to, so long ago.

"I was terrified. You just came back and I thought I was going to lose you again." Her words had my eyes widening and I moved to press my hand to her hip, hoping she'd allow me to at least hug her after so long, but we were interrupted.

"Bella, there you are. I was looking for you. I think it's time to leave." My eyes shot to his and he seemed to smile as if he didn't know exactly who I was. "Hey. I'm Riley, Bella's boyfriend." Bella seemed to shoot him a curious look at the use of the boyfriend title and I wondered if it was wishful thinking on his part. He extended a hand and I ignored it with a breathy chuckle, turning my attention back to Bella who looked as shocked as a deer in headlights.

"I don't particularly give a fuck who you are, and Bella will leave when she wants to leave." My voice was low enough not to cause a scene but my eyes raged under the surface, wanting nothing more than to punch this guy in his preppy little face.

"Mase, it's fine, really. I should go." Her voice became timid and I wasn't sure if she was afraid of him or the situation, but there was no way I would ever sit quietly and let Bella be afraid of anything. My eyes once again found Riley's.

"Bella and I were just talking. Why don't you go have a drink at the bar and she'll be right over." It wasn't really a request and much to my surprise, the guy didn't back down. I glanced towards the bar and found Jasper watching with fire behind his eyes, all too knowing, as usual.

"I don't think that's such a great idea. Bella, why don't you come with me?" He grabbed Bella's wrist and moved to pull her away from me. His voice irritated me on an astronomical level and I straightened my back as I inched closer to him, my head tilted in slight amusement.

"You might want to take your hand off of her before I do it for you. Bella can make her own decisions about who she wants to have a goddamn conversation with. So again, why don't you go have a fuckin' drink and wait for her to say she's ready to leave?" At that, he dropped her wrist but shot her an incredulous look which much to my satisfaction, she ignored.

"Riley, it's okay. Mase and I were just catching up." Her eyes found mine and I couldn't hide the hint of a crooked smile on my lips as I stared down at her.

"Catching up? That isn't what it looks like to me." That goddamn voice again. I rolled my eyes with irritation and held my hand out for Bella.

"Maybe we should go talk somewhere else, Bellarina." Riley didn't like my name for her very much and pushed my hand away as he stepped in front of her. Bella tried to wriggle her way out from behind him and I didn't like that she was so uncomfortable but I wasn't about to let Riley get away with that much bullshit.

"What's your goddamn problem, man?" My voice was a little louder now and though I didn't really care, I knew this wasn't the time or the place. Still, I pushed Riley to the side of Bella and had him pressed against the wall while I whispered next to his head. "You got something to say, say it outside." I pointed towards the back exit and slid my other arm around Bella's waist, nudging her to come with me.

Before I knew what happened, Jasper was rushing for the door we just came out of and Bella was gasping, yelling both mine and Riley's names as she looked around nervously. There were a few shouted words and a loud shuffling of feet and Jasper was there, in my face, pushing against my chest with both hands trying to walk me backwards away from Riley. Away from Bella.

My words may have slurred but they were laced with venom all the same. "What the fuck, Jay? This asshole has something to say, let him say it."

"Mase. You're drunk and this isn't the time. Let's go, we gotta get back to the firehouse. Come on, Man. Don't do this here." His words were quiet as not to draw any attention to us back here, but I wasn't in the right state of mind to care.

"I'm not drunk and you need to get the fuck off me." I raised a brow at Jasper and pushed against his chest the way he pushed against mine. "This ain't about you, go back inside."

"The fuck it ain't." Jasper ignored me completely and kept pushing me away from Riley, walking me backwards and I was getting more pissed off by the minute. "Bella, Darlin'. Get your guy home, alright?" He never looked at her as he spoke but she nodded anyway and hurried to grab Riley's arm, trying to pull us apart the same way Jasper was. I knew she didn't want us to fight but I had just about enough of this guy.

"This is bullshit. Get off her!" Rage set in as I watched Riley slide an arm around Bella with a cocky smirk on his face. That was all it took. Before Jasper had a chance to stop me, I was around him and ripping Riley away from Bella. I had him with both hands gripped in the fabric of his shirt while I threw the fucker towards the street. When he made a move to hit me, I was faster. I landed a fist to his face with a loud cracking sound.

"Mase, stop!" Jaspers voice was louder now, Bella was frantic behind him, tears falling down her face. "You'll lose everything! He isn't worth it. Stop!" Jasper had one hand behind my neck and the other firm against my chest, pushing me away from Riley with all his strength. When I saw the blood leaking from his nose, I flashed a smile and a middle finger and let Jasper walk me backwards.

My smile faded as I heard Bella crying again and my gaze softened as I held a hand out towards her. "I'm sorry. Bella, don't leave with that guy. Let's just go somewhere and talk." My entire demeanor had changed and I didn't care who saw the vulnerability there. She just shook her head and backed away, confused and afraid of the situation that escalated far too quickly.

"Just let her go, Mase. Talk later. You have to let her go." Jaspers words were loud, full of raw emotion and tense enough to make everyone get their shit together. I stumbled backwards calling her name over Jaspers shoulder as he pushed me towards the opposite end of the street. She left quickly, with Riley. My heart plummeted in my chest. Jasper was wrong. I'd already lost everything.

 **A/N: I know you guys have been waiting since Thanksgiving for this update. I'm sorry it took so long, I was busy for the holidays but back on track now. If you haven't already, check the profile and give our Christmas oneshot a read! My Little Santa won first place in a Christmas contest! Again, sorry for the delay, to make it up to you all, I'm giving you two chapters today! Reviews make me happy!**

 **~Fireheart**


	6. Chapter 6

_**Disclaimer: We do not own twilight. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. The authors are in no way associated or affiliated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended**_

" **I Just Came to Say Goodbye** "

a Fireheart story

 **CHAPTER SIX**

 **EPOV**

The rain fell harder, but I couldn't find it in me to care as I walked as slow as possible back to the firehouse. Once Jasper decided I was good enough on my own, he ran ahead, leaving me to my thoughts as I took the long way.

I didn't want to go home tonight, to a miserable couch that I was sick of sleeping on. I couldn't even sleep in my own goddamn bed after a day like today. It was perfectly untouched, because I still couldn't find a way to go anywhere near it. My boots splashing against the flooded asphalt seemed louder than it should have, even through the rain pouring down on top of me.

It wasn't until I was about to reach the bay doors to the firehouse that I heard her voice shouting from behind me. I turned to find Bella standing in the street, just staring at me, seemingly unaffected by the torrential downpour. A scene that I knew all too well.

"Why didn't you come back for me?" Her voice was loud, yelling at me through heavy rainfall on a quiet street either too late to be night or too early to be morning. I stared at her with a dumbfounded expression, unable to move towards her until I knew what she meant. Then or now?

"I knew why you thought you had to go, Mase, but why stay away? Why didn't you come back to me? I knew you were on leave but you didn't come see me. Tell me why!" Her voice was laced with anger but I saw the hurt she tried to mask. The pain in her eyes was the same as the night I left. I'll never forget her face that night. Not ever.

"I didn't want to hurt you anymore than I already had." The words were barely out of my mouth before she was yelling again. I flinched, but I deserved every bit of it.

"That's bullshit! I waited for you for so long, you selfish bastard." Her voice broke on the words and I took a few tentative steps towards her, holding my hands up with a tilt of my head, my own words softer than hers.

"I remember, Bella. All of it. The way you cried. The way I cried… I didn't want to show up for three days once every couple years and make it worse for you. I did what I had to do and came back. I never _wanted_ to leave you. I wanted to take you with me. I knew you couldn't. I never wanted to leave _us_." I was quiet for a moment as she watched me, her chest rising and falling heavily as she stood in the street. "I was gonna come see you. The night all this shit happened. Then it all went to hell." My words were true, I had every intention of going to see her that night when my shift was over. I just never got the chance. There was a flash of understating in her eyes but she balled her tiny fists and started shouting again.

"You're not him! You're not your father, Mase. You never had to be." She shook her head and didn't bother to wipe her tears. She stood there telling me things that she had been waiting a long time to say, so I stood silently and took it. "I know you felt bad when he died, Mase, but you didn't have to give up your life to prove him wrong. When your mother—" My back stiffened at the mention of my mother. A sensitive subject that Bella of all people knew to approach with caution judging by the way she took a few steps closer and softened her voice. "When your mother got sick, she wanted you to come home. She knew it was her time to go. She was so proud of you, Mase. Long before you went off to fight for your country. She knew you had dreams of your own and she was proud of the man you were. _Are_ … So am I. We never needed you to be like _him."_

If I wasn't crippled by the weight of my own guilt before, I sure as fuck was now. My own voice was unrecognizable as I blinked the rain from my view, too many emotions going through me to form a coherent sentence. "Bella, please…"

"Don't!" Her hand shot up in front of her body, her eyes closed as she tried to clear her head but I couldn't lose this chance to explain. I had to tell her the entire truth. All of it, she needed to know I never wanted to have a life without her in it. So, I took a few more steps towards her and pleaded with her to hear me out.

"I was never good enough. Not for him. I never met his standards of being a good son. In school, I wasn't smart enough. In baseball, I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't man enough to follow in his footsteps. We didn't speak for years, Bella… And then he fucking _died."_ Pausing for only a moment, I swallowed to clear my throat, a hand pushing through my hair in frustration. I couldn't look in her eyes as she let her tears fall so I dropped my gaze with a shake of my head. "We had unresolved bullshit that haunted me. I didn't leave so I could _be_ him. I did it so I would know for myself that he was wrong about me. I didn't want to be a coward, so I took a leap of faith but it was in the wrong direction. I'm sorry that I did, but now I know who I am. I did something that matters. I know you hate me for it but you won't hate me forever, and if you tell me you feel _nothing_ for me, I'll just say goodbye and disappear, but you had better goddam mean it, because I really don't think that you do."

With shaky breath, Bella shook her head only once, the pain in her eyes was enough to bring me

to my knees in front of her, begging for forgiveness, but I needed to hear her say it. "Mase… I'll never _hate_ you." As happy as I was to hear her say that, it wasn't enough.

"Tell me what you want, Bella. You want me to give up and walk away? I don't think I can do that. So unless you tell me that we have no chance, I'm gonna fight for you. Like I should have from the start. Tell me you feel nothing and I'll walk away right now. You can go back to that asshole you call a boyfriend with no interference from me. Just say the words." I waited anxiously, completely lost to the anxiety of my emotions as I watched her battle her own emotional breakdown.

"I can't. Mase, I don't want you to leave again." Her voice was too soft, afraid of her own admission. I wanted her in my arms. Her tears turned to full sobs as she spoke her next words and I felt each one like a knife to the chest. "I waited for you for so long. _Years_. For four years I was alone, waiting for you to come home and tell me that you wanted me back, that we would have our happy ending. Everyone told me I was wasting my life. I was… I was living in the past with hope of a future with someone who never even wrote me a letter. Life isn't like some fairytale that I made myself believe in. So, I accepted that we were over and made myself move on."

I couldn't accept that. Not now, not ever. My feet were moving before my mind could fathom an acceptable reason to grab a hold of her, but I couldn't find it in me to care. Closing the distance between us, I pulled Bella against me with one arm around her waist and pushed my hand behind her neck with the other, my words a barely rasped breath. "We were never over. We never will be and you know it." I crushed my mouth to hers and immediately felt at home for the first time in six years. As demanding as my hold on her was, my kiss was gentle, desperate but soft. I felt her cry into my mouth and I thought I was going to be on the receiving end of a very hard slap to the face, but she kissed me back as she threw her arms around my neck. _Mine._

Our kiss was long overdue and turned frantic quickly, but her grip in my hair suddenly loosened and her lips parted against mine. "Mase, I—" I didn't want the moment to end, not yet. So, I cut off her words with another kiss, even softer than the first few and I let my hands smooth over her back before one of my hands gripped in her hair and I deepened our kiss with a loud groan. I tasted her tongue and she whimpered into my mouth. The sound almost brought me to my knees. Faster than I could blink, Bella was shaking her head and pulling away from me, her lips swollen and red from our kisses. I dropped my arms from around her and she pushed against my chest with both hands as she took a few steps back. The space between us felt cold and painful as the rain beat down on us. "I'm sorry, I can't. Riley's waiting for me Mase, I have to go. I'm so sorry."

My brows pulled together at her words and I took a step towards her, but she backed up quickly and started walking away. "Bella, wait. Don't go. Just stay with me. Come home with me. Not him. Pick me, and I'll make it up to you every goddamn day." I was begging but I didn't give a single fuck in that moment. I would do anything for her to come home. I watched as more tears fell and she cupped her face with both hands to hide her cries. I moved closer to her, wanting nothing more than to wrap my arms around her, but she wouldn't let me. She shook off my touch and backed away again, this time turning and running as I called after her. I knew I had to let her go. I had to let her think and make a choice without any pressure and as hard as it was for me to watch her run away from me, that's exactly what I did.

"Fuck." I pushed both hands through my hair and tilted my head all the way back, letting the rain cool off my face before I sulked over towards the bay and took a seat on the little brick wall my hands pulling out a cigarette and lighting the end. The drunken buzz I felt hours ago had long worn off as I leaned back and took a deep drag. I only had a moment to myself before the bays lifted and Jasper came walking out, his formal attire long forgotten as his boots stomped across the flooded asphalt.

"So, you picking up an extra shift then?" I just gave him a sharp look and he held both hands up, that cocky smirk of his ever present as he headed back in through the open doors and strummed his fingers along the side of the truck until he disappeared behind the wall. Shaking my head, I laughed under my breath. I should've known he'd have heard every word. He was never too far and he was also never wrong.

I finished my cigarette and flicked the butt onto the pavement, watching the embers die out in the rain. Pushing myself off the wall, I glanced at the pictures hanging on the wall outside the firehouse. With a silent nod to the remembrance of Captain Carlisle Cullen, I made my way inside to sleep on a less comfortable couch than my own. I wasn't sure where I stood with Bella, but that kiss told me enough. _We aren't over._

 _A/N: Hey guys! Thanks again for being so patient with this story! I posted two chapters today to make up for the busy holidays! Be sure to click my profile and check out the other stories we have going! Still Breathing updates every Friday, its a collaboration with Firefly! Have a happy New Year!_  
~Fireheart


	7. Chapter 7

_**Disclaimer: We do not own twilight. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. The authors are in no way associated or affiliated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended**_

" **I Just Came to Say Goodbye** "

a Fireheart story

 **CHAPTER SEVEN**

 **BPOV**

With a heavy sigh, I stared up at the ceiling, watching the fan blades go around and around again, the chain clinking off the glass light cover. The tinkling sound was of no particular pattern or rhythm but it relaxed me while I laid against the fluffy bedding. My bare feet smoothed against the soft silkiness of the sheets, chilly enough to keep me under the blankets. Laying in the coziness of my own bed early in the morning was the best time for me to clear my head. The window was only open a crack, barely enough so I could listen to the raindrops fall heavy against the windowsill. The linen curtains flowed in on the fantom breeze that slipped through the small space. The sky was gray, a blanket of fog over the city underneath a constant cover of clouds. It was the perfect day to spend in my pajamas, lazily lounging on the couch with a book, but unfortunately, I knew I had to leave the comfort of my bed and start my day.

My mind was on autopilot. I replayed everything that had transpired over the last few days. It kept repeating behind my eyes like a looped movie reel. Seeing Mase and Riley fight was overwhelming, to say the least.

When I close my eyes, I see all of the things that led up to that moment. At the restaurant, Mase was so close. He was practically pinning me against a wall, and truth be told, I was perfectly content to be there with him. Seeing how mad Mase was with Riley, it wasn't exactly surprising. He was always protective, especially with me, but it was so much more than his aggravation with Riley. It was obvious that he meant what he said when he asked me to stay. He asked me not to leave with Riley, but I did anyway. It wasn't to hurt him, or embarass him, I would never do that. I was scared. Terrified, actually, because I knew that if I didn't get Riley out of there, Mase would have hurt him. It would have ended badly either way, but Mase could've lost his job for being involved in a drunken street fight. I could never forgive myself if that happened because of me.

I think that on some level, I knew I could never truly walk away from Mase. Not without answers, so even after I agreed to get Riley out of there, I didn't simply walk back to Mase, I _ran_. I ran through the streets and caught up to him before he could duck inside the fire house. I didn't intend for my approach to be so drastic, it just worked out that way. I guess the heat of the moment had this shameless buildup inside me and it needed an escape of epic proportions.

When I caught up to him, I couldn't get the words out. I had so much I wanted to say, things that I had been waiting what felt like forever to say to him, but the look in his eyes told me that he already knew. I could feel what he felt and I knew, he was just as miserable as I had been without him. My own body betrayed me when he pressed his lips to mine. I wanted him to earn it, not take it, but I realized he didn't have to take anything from me because I had given it to him willingly all those years ago. I never took my heart back, it's always been his.

When I ran from him, it wasn't regret. It was my emotions getting the better of me. I used Riley as an excuse to leave but I knew in my heart that it was a lie. My loyalties would never lie with Riley. I would always choose Mase and I think even after all this time, he still knows that.

That night, I cried myself to sleep for what felt like the thousandth time and I wished Mase was here to sing one of those songs he used to play. I didn't know how everything could come full circle so fast, but I found myself on some kind of Mase induced hampster wheel of emotions, doing everything I could to just figure it out.

A few months ago, my life was boring; repetitive to the point of exhaustion. Now I was at the epicenter of catastrophe, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I could come up with at least a dozen metaphors for what that meant but my emotional trauma was staring me in the face. More like my subconscious was flashing a neon sign for me to run as far as I possibly could. My heart remembers the pain and emotional devastation of Edward Masen. The logical part of my mind wanted me to ignore all of it and keep moving forward, but the other part? Not really in agreement. The rest of me, mind, body and soul, wanted to run back to Mase and beg him to stay. The back and forth emotional time bomb was ready to detonate and I knew what I needed. I needed to pace back and forth and vent it all out in order for my mind to make sense. There was only one person I could do that with and she was still laid out in a hospital bed at St. Vincent's.

The first week Rosalie was in the hospital, I sat with her every night. By the second week, I was able to sneak in some chinese food for her while we watched some netflix on the flat screen of her room. The first couple days, Rosalie mostly just slept while I cried and arranged all the flowers in her room, but by now, she was anxious to be released and so were the rest of us. I was thinking about having a small 'welcome home' get together at the studio for her but I knew that if I did, Mase would be there. Mase was actually the only one who hadn't visited Rose in the hospital. He did send a couple bouquets of flowers and well wishes though. I knew he was keeping his distance in respects to me and I was grateful. It gave me some time to think. I did however, get to spend a little bit of time with Jasper the last couple of days, which was something I had avidly avoided the last few months. I have absolutely nothing against Jasper. I think he's a great guy and he was always one of my closest friends. It's just that being around him when Mase left, it started to turn into some form of resentment that was misdirected onto him. He was a constant reminder of Mase and all the memories we had as a group. Wherever Jasper went, Mase was always right there next to him. They've been best friends since they were old enough to play T-ball.

In the beginning, I spent a lot of time alone with Jasper. He would come visit me or bring me dinner. Some nights, he would just sit with me and let me cry until I had no tears left to shed. Jasper never pushed me to talk about it, what happened with Mase. He knew it destroyed me to lose him and even though Jasper was his best friend, he was still there for me. I can remember a few dance recitals that I had no choice but to be a part of, commitments I had made long before everything happened. Jasper was there. Front row, right next to Rosalie, holding flowers in his hands and dressed in his best suit. He looked out for me, he cared about my day and how I was doing on a regular basis.

Over time, my breakdowns became less heart shattering, less overwhelming and less time consuming. I still cry over Mase, to this day, but it got a little easier to hide after a while. Eventually, I started relying on Jasper less. I started making excuses to get out of spending time with him. Our daily visits became weekly, then monthly, and finally, I stopped seeing him altogether. He never did anything wrong, he definitely didn't do anything to deserve me abandoning him as a friend. Jasper was just a constant reminder of who was missing in my life. To look at Jasper, it meant that Mase was gone. It redefined his presence and I couldn't handle that. So, instead of admitting that to him, I just faded myself out. _Of everything._

I knew that I needed to have more than a casual conversation with Jasper. I told myself that as soon as Rosalie was home from the hospital, I would do exactly that. My friend deserves the truth and an explanation of my behavior over the last year or so. I hoped he would forgive me for it, and I know that just because Mase is home now, it doesn't excuse the way I've acted. I need him to listen even if it's just for a few minutes.

It was exhausting to think about all the things I needed to get off my chest. The list seems to be growing by the day. I've been at the point of anxiety, constantly worrying, thinking and replaying that damn fight in my head over and over again. There have been plenty of times that I've seen Mase confrontational, but I've never seen Riley that way. He seemed different, a shift in the light I saw him in. Part of the reason I liked spending time with Riley was because he was Mase's polar opposite in every way imaginable. I liked that he never reminded me of Mase. I liked that he was quiet and did his own thing. I spent enough time lost in my head, I didn't want to do that when Riley was around too. He was meant to be a distraction, a friend. When he became more, I felt the shift but I thought maybe it would help me if I started to move on. It was a mistake.

The plan was to take a couple days to myself, clear my head and process everything without the influential haze I found myself in when I looked at Mase. He was just as perfect as he always was. The last six years have been good to him. Too good, in fact it was so good that I've dreamt of his perfectly sculpted body hovering above mine at least three times in the last week. It was so easy to lose myself in him. His eyes when he looked at me or his scent, something I've craved every single day since he left but have never forgotten even for a moment. I found my fingers brushing against my lips, reliving the exact moment his mouth touched mine. The kiss was burned into my memory forever. Every brush of his lips, even the memory of it had my belly tightening with a familiar heat. His breath when he whispered my name. The warmth of his mouth was inviting as the sensation traveled down my body, my spine arching against the strength of his arms. Even through the sting of the icy rain, I was perfectly content in his hold.

One kiss and it was everything I wanted since the day I lost him. All the sadness and anguish I felt was erased so thoroughly that it terrified me. No person should ever have that kind of power or control over your entire soul, but here I was. So many moons later, one little kiss and I was still completely owned by Edward Masen. It was a low roll of thunder in the distance that brought me back to the present, suddenly less warm and cozy than I had been just a moment ago.

Mentally rolling my eyes at myself, I focused my attention on the raindrop speckled window. I geared my thoughts in another direction. I knew I was going to have a chance to sit down and talk to Jaser. I also knew that I would have plenty of time to bring Rosalie up to speed but I wasn't ready to do any of that today. As much as I had to sort through, I knew at least one thing was for certain. I had to end things with Riley.

I was still so angry at him. It was the fact that no matter how many times we talked about it, Riley still felt the need to label himself as a constant. He stole a title for himself that I wasn't willing to give. In the back of my mind, I knew it was a male thing. Riley had done it because he felt threatened by Mase. Maybe in the heat of the moment, he wanted to stake some kind of manly claim. He knew how I felt and he crossed a major line with me. Part of me felt that it was a justifiable offense to break things off. The other part of me, the part that was waiting for Mase, knew it was an excuse to jump on because I was never really invested in whatever that almost-relationship was anyway. I keep finding myself suffocated by the weight of my problems and as much as I would like to forget about all of them for a little while, I can't. So I decided to get up, get dressed and do something about it.

My apartment filled with the sounds of classical piano, something I haven't attempted to listen to in far too long. I twirled around my bathroom while I brushed my teeth and put a little perfume on. My bare feet padded across the hard wood floors while I searched for the softest black leggings I could find. I found an old white long sleeved, cotton tee shirt that hung off one shoulder and my favorite all black sneakers. I considered adding a classic ballet wrap skirt to the ensemble but opted to pack it for later. My hair was left down, long waves falling down my back before I pulled it to one side. By the time the second song ended, I was surprisingly ready ahead of schedule. I had about two hours before I had to be at the studio so I decided I may as well check one thing off the list to get it over with. Pulling out my phone, I sent a text to Riley but I should've known better because the moment I hit the send button, my phone rang with a call from him.

"Hey." My voice was timid, but I guess it always was these days. Before I could even say why I wanted to meet, his words were coming through the speaker a mile a minute. Too fast for me to try and decipher what he was trying to say.

"Bella, I'm so sorry for acting like such a jerk. I know I was an asshole and I had no right…" More things came out but I could only catch bits and pieces of his words. There may have been something about Mase, which I chose not to acknowledge.

"Riley, I know. Can we meet somewhere and talk?" My voice was hesitant, not knowing exactly what to say or even how to say it, but it still wasn't as hesitant as his reply. Another moment passed and I wasn't entirely sure that he had even heard me. I was about to repeat my question when his softer tone came through the other end of the phone, breaking through the silence of the awkward moment between us.

"Of course, Bella. You want me to come over? I can walk you to work." I heard the way his voice lowered and his anxious demeanor had suddenly fallen to a defeated sigh. Riley knew what I wanted to talk about, he knew this was coming before I had even called, I realized. I didn't want to hurt him and to be honest, this was the very reason I had avoided relationships altogether. I knew long ago that I would never be able to return those kinds of feelings to anyone other than Mase. There was a soft sigh on the other end of the line and in that moment, I felt guilty. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. My voice was softer when I spoke this time.

"Yeah, I'd like that." I could practically see his nod through the phone when he cleared his throat.

"I'll see you in fifteen." I breathed my acknowledgment and felt a sudden wave of nerves barrel though me. I still had no idea what I planned to say but I knew I had to make myself perfectly clear in my intentions. I don't want to lose Riley as a friend and I hope that he will feel the same way.

I grabbed everything I needed and tossed them into my ballet duffle before I finished off my morning coffee. I still felt nervous even though I had plenty of these kinds of talks with Riley before. He knew going into this where I stood on the whole labeling thing. I never wanted to be his girlfriend. I never asked him for anything more than companionship even though he seemed more than happy to offer it. The few nights we've shared his bed, I knew that it meant more to him than it did to me. Riley promised me that he was okay with that.

With a heavy sigh, I slipped my vintage pink jacket on and slung the strap of my duffle bag over my shoulder just in time for the hesitant knock at the door. I didn't bother to look myself over in the floor length mirror next to the door. I just pushed my hair out of my face and pulled it open. My cheeks instantly tinged a shade of pink as Riley stood there, holding out a cup of coffee with my name scrawled on the cup in black ink.

"Moring, Beautiful." His voice was low, lacking the usual confident demeanor I was used to. There was something else there, something I hadn't seen in him before. Maybe it was my imagination but he seemed timid. In the months that I had known Riley, I never would've used the word timid to describe him,. It just didn't fit. He wasn't cocky, just confident. I always liked that about him. He knows who he is and he doesn't need to to be anything else. It's admirable. I noticed he avoided my eyes at first, but when he looked up at me, finally, it was then that I saw it. _Sadness._

"Good morning. Thanks… for the coffee. Shall we?" I nodded for the hallway as I stood in the doorway to my apartment, watching Riley as he took a step back so I could come out and lock the door behind me. With a nod of his head and a wave of his hand, he motioned for me to lead the way.

"Let me get your bag." Again, hesitant; unfamiliar though we've spent plenty of time together. A shake of my head and a shy smile had him looking down at his feet once more. I hadn't even started the conversation yet and I already felt terrible.

"It's okay, I've got it." I tossed my keys into one of the front pockets of my bag and sipped from the steaming paper cup. His eyes seemed afraid to linger on mine as I pulled my brows together and started down the hall. The walk to the elevator was quiet, and then awkward as we stood next to each other. No words were spoken from either of us. The silence was deafening if not maddening. He looked like he was about to start the conversation a few times, but he never found the words he was searching for. By the time the doors opened to the lobby, the crease of Riley's brow was permanently pulled together.

Unable to take the silence for another moment, I opened my mouth to speak but apparently Riley had the same notion. At the same time, words escaped our lips, neither of which were actually heard by the other. An embarrassed laugh escaped me as I motioned for him to go first.

"Bella, I know I fucked up and I'm _sorry_ , and I think I know why you want to talk but before you make up your mind, I just need you to hear me out. Please?" The doorman held the door for us and we stepped out into the rainy morning, gray with a rolling rumble of thunder closeby. Spring weather was just around the corner but I knew the rainy days would linger for at least another month, not that I minded.

"Riley…" My eyes didn't meet his but before I could say anything, his hand reached out to catch my wrist, pulling my attention toward him as we stopped on the street, his face almost desperate as he pleaded with his eyes. All I could offer was a slight nod, my lips pressed into a thin line. Not a smile, but not a grimace either. Maybe it was pity and I felt all the more guilty for it.

"I get it, Bells, I do. I may not know exactly what we are but what I do kno, is that I don't want to lose you. Whatever this is between us, it's been _good._ I know I'm not your boyfriend and I don't know why I said that." He paused, a slight nod of his head told me he had been preparing his thoughts. "No, I _do_ know why." I watched him as he ran a hand through his hair, frustration clear in his actions. I didn't say anything but I made eye contact to let him know I was listening as we walked slowly towards the direction of my studio. The rain was light enough that we didn't need an umbrella, just the hoods from our jackets and I was grateful for the veil as I walked at his side.

"I knew it was _him_. The night of the fire, when I found you screaming and crying. I knew it was him. I didn't need to ask any questions because you were more alive than I had ever seen you. I knew he was back and I got scared. I was jealous and stupid. When I saw him at the funeral, I just wanted to hate him. I know what he did to you, how he left you and broke your heart. Bella, I hate the guy for it. You can't blame me for that, can you?" I met his eyes and his brow was raised, hesitance in his stance but the judgment was there. He may have had some preconceived notion about Mase, but he didn't know him and he didn't really know me for that matter. I swallowed down the lump in my throat, shook my head and put a hand out as I nipped at the assumption before it turned into an argument.

"Riley, you _don't_ know. You know what I've told you, and believe me, it wasn't much. Mase left, yes. I know that but you don't know anything about him, our relationship or…" With an unamused laugh, Riley interrupted me and all I could do was shoot him an incredulous look while he looked down the street instead of at me.

"Your relationship." Another breathy laugh. I narrowed my eyes but didn't have the chance to interject before he started again. "Your relationship or the relationship you _used_ to have?" I hadn't even realized I said it. I kept my brows furrowed as he continued. "You're right. I _don't_ know everything that happened. I know that you and I are having a good time together even though you keep me at arms length. I know the things that trigger you. I do pay attention, Bells. You lose yourself in your own mind whenever there's piano music in a restaurant somewhere. You look right through me when I tell you that you're beautiful. You cringe when you hear the siren of a firetruck and you can't watch movies about romance. You stiffen up when I drink whiskey but you drink wine regularly. You won't hold my hand and you won't let me kiss you unless we're in private. I've always been good with it, but I'm willing to bet all of those things are because of him." He took a moment and cleared his throat but the emotion was there, evident on his face in the way he looked at me.

"Riley... What I went through, it changed me." I couldn't find the right words, they wouldn't come though I desperately needed to offer some kind of explanation. Our steps slowed even more as we walked together down the busy city streets, ignoring he brisk air and the sound of the raindrops against our hooded heads. Riley shook his head as he moved to grab my hand, trying to lace his fingers with mine. I stared down at our hands, intertwined as if we were a couple. That familiar feeling of being suffocated rose in my chest and I pulled my hand away, afraid to meet his eyes but Riley said nothing. He just stared down at me and offered a sad smile almost as if he didn't want to be right. I could feel the tears threatening but kept them at bay.

"I get it. I really do, I just wish you would give me a chance. I may not know everything but I want to. I have feelings for you, Bells. Genuine feelings and I know you don't feel the same way about me. It's okay, I just think that if you gave us a chance, you might feel something more eventually. You trust me enough to share a bed with me but you don't trust me enough to let me into your head. That's because of him, Bella. He crushed you and it stayed with you. I promise you, I would never do that to you. I'll never hurt you the way that he did. Let me show you the way you deserve to be treated. We can go as slow as you want, no labels. Please, just consider it?"

I had no words. I stood there, mouth open, tears ready to spill and my heart pounding in my chest. I stared up at the man I had come to believe was a little more than a friend but not exactly a boyfriend. He was right about a lot of it, but not everything. He may have noticed more than I realized but it was still only a fraction of the story. If I were to let this go on any longer, I'd lose my nerve. I knew what I had to do and it wasn't for Mase, it was for me.

"I can't." My steps paused as did my words. He stopped in his tracks and noticed the tears in my eyes. He took a step closer to me, his eyes full of worry. "It's not fair to you to be involved this way when I know that I'll never be able to return your feelings." I sucked in a breath to steady myself. I didn't want to hurt him, but I had to say the words.

"Because you can't or because you don't want to?" I knew the answer. So did he. I stared up at him, not saying a word as a single tear finally fell. Riley looked away and shook his head, clearing his own thoughts.

"I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you but I don't want to lose you either. We were friends before, we could be again. Just because things would be different doesn't mean we have to stop seeing each other altogether. Does it?" I knew what I was asking and maybe it wasn't fair to him but it had to be better than cutting ties forever. The crease in his brows seemed to deepen, his eyes weary.

"Just friends?" There was another shake of his head and just when I thought he might walk away, Riley closed the distance between us, his hands circling my waist as he pulled me flush against him. My surprise was evident when my hands flew to brace myself against his arms, steadying my feet. "How can I be your _friend_ after this? Fuck… Tell me you feel nothing." Familiar words jolted me like a lightning bolt. Riley mistook my reaction as encouragement and crushed his lips to mine. I felt his arms wrap around me tighter, he didn't want to let me go. I blocked out the image of Mase saying those exact words to me only a few days before. I closed my eyes and let Riley kiss me. I let him hold me and I just _felt_ him. I let his kiss linger and I let his embrace warm me. I considered how it made me feel. There was _nothing_. There never was. Riley was a distraction. He was a way for me to start to move on with my life but I knew I didn't have feelings for him then and I certainly didn't have them now. I just needed to be sure. Now that I put effort into feeling his lips on mine, I was certain.

When Riley pulled away, his eyes opened before mine did, his gaze searching, studying and even hoping as I licked my lips and sunk back down to my own height. My gaze fell before my arms did, his grip on me loosening as his brows pulled together, an accepting nod as he stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"Riley, I'm so sorry." It was barely a whisper but he heard it. When his eyes met mine again, I was more than surprised to see his tears. My lips parted, but nothing came out. I was stunned.

"So, that's it then. _Friends_." He huffed a laugh but his brows remained tight, his demeanor changed before my eyes. I nodded and hugged my coffee cup to my chest, the warmth barely there anymore as we stood facing each other, only a few blocks from my studio. I didn't expect Riley to continue to walk with me, so I knew this was our goodbye.

"Friends." I tried my best to sound sympathetic but I still felt awful for hurting his feelings and it was evident in my voice. Riley's eyes lingered on me for a moment before he nodded and offered a smile that never reached his eyes.

"Friends can hang out and have coffee sometimes, right? Maybe we can still do that." He looked hopeful but defeated. I meant it when I agreed.

"I would love that." He seemed to stiffen at my words but stayed quiet, solemn as the rain picked up. The breeze seemed to change direction and so did our conversation. With an awkward hug, Riley pressed a kiss to the top of my head and pulled away, his eyes avoiding mine.

"I'll see ya, Bells." A smile, a weak nod of his head and Riley was turning to walk away but before he got more than a few feet into the crosswalk, he turned back one more time. "You know, he doesn't deserve you." The sadness in his eyes transformed into acceptance. With a half shrug, he pulled his hood back up and turned away again. I blinked back my tears and swallowed down my emotions. Before I could say anything, Riley was gone.

My mind was on autopilot while I walked the last couple blocks to my studio. My emotions running high as I replayed everything that just happened with Riley. There are always those moments that we replay and wish we had said other things, something different to maybe change the outcome. I didn't exactly want another outcome as much as I wished I could have been more gentle or less blunt about my feelings. The truth may very well set us free, but I wasn't feeling any better about it.

I stood across the street from my studio, watching the traffic lights reflect off the puddle soaked blacktop. Some things in life are hard to decipher for whatever reason. Things happen in some order of events that we have no control over. Is fate a real thing? Or do we hope for something so much that when it shows up, we take it as a sign? Well, I can't say either way but I think that maybe even if there were ever some plan for us, we still have to put the work in. We may have some help or guidance along the way, but if we don't follow the advice of the signs left in or own paths, we may as well live life with our eyes closed. I don't know what made it click into my head or my heart, but suddenly, I was sick and tired of simply existing. I want to live my life, not just get through it. I want excitement and adventure. I want laughter and music. I want to dance again. I want love. I don't want to settle for someone or something just so I won't be so lonely. I want _passion_ again. There was only one way for me to have all of those things. It's always been Mase.

It's funny how your mind plans things out for you without even realizing it. Before I had any indication that my feet were moving, I was already halfway down the block. I was headed in the opposite direction of my studio. If I was being completely honest with myself, I knew there was no way that Mase and I would magically make everything right, I knew it would take time, but I wanted to try.

I told myself I would make him work for it, he had to earn it. We both did. But in that moment of clarity, I found myself overwhelmed with the desire to at least tell him that I was open to the idea of us. I didn't say a word to him since that night and I had no idea if I was too late. I may even be out of line, but I had to tell him that no matter how crazy things are, I want him here. With me. In any way he'll allow me to be. I didn't plan out what I wanted to say or how to say it, but I knew that when I saw his eyes, I would know. If he wants to be just friends until we can get to that comfortable place, I would take it because it's better than nothing. I spent way too long pushing people away. I've always refused to admit how lonely I was, but seeing how hurt Riley was to lose me made me realize that pain doesn't last for forever.

I was punishing myself for losing Mase, but it was such a long time ago. It hit me like a truck. The thought that sparked my mind into overdrive. He's home but I was still wasting time overthinking when I knew exactly what I wanted. My feet started moving faster.

When his building came into view, I saw that familiar corner of glass and smiled to myself. I saw that the lights were on and I felt so warm inside, something I hadn't felt in such a long time. For as long as I can remember, I've been completely dead inside and now, at the thought of talking to Mase, I have hope. I'm nervous but I like that I'm nervous. I like that I can feel _something._ I dropped my hood and stared up at his living room window, hoping I would be able to catch a glimpse of Mase, see what he was doing, but he wasn't in view. I crossed the street as quickly as my soaking wet sneakers would take me and made my way into the building. I smiled at the familiar surroundings. I missed this place, I missed it every day.

Ducking through the lobby, I made my way to the elevators, quickly closing the doors before anyone could jump in and slow me down. I tried to stop smiling but I couldn't, I was filled with excitement. It felt so good to finally feel it; hope. There were so many possibilities just from having a simple conversation with Mase. The butterflies in my stomach were fluttering at an uncontrollable rate. I knew my cheeks were pink, not only from my nerves but also from the cold. I smoothed a hand through my long waves and pulled it to one side as the elevator doors opened.

I faced his door and took a deep breath, whispering to myself for a little encouragement. _Don't be a coward._ My fist knocked against the door twice and I waited as calmly as I could. On the inside, I was bouncing and beaming, nervous and a dozen other things. My smile was wide, and as the door started to pull open, I had to stop myself from barreling through it just to get inside faster.

One heartbeat.

One breath.

One moment.

That's how fast my entire world came down to slap me back into reality. The smile that I wouldn't have dreamt of forcing into submission, was gone. My otherworldly excitement transformed into nausea and the happy warmth I felt low in my belly seemed to flip flop into embarrassment.

"Hi there, can I help you?" She had a low toned voice. The kind leading actresses used in those cocktail, lounge singer movies. Sultry. Unfortunately, the term suited her perfectly. I noticed as I took in her appearance. Her hair was a brilliant blonde, curled and twirled in all the right places. Her makeup looked professional and her dress fit her like a glove. It was a deep shade of red, to match her lips. Her long stemmed legs looked dainty as she leaned her hip against the doorway. My stomach sank.

"Um, no. It's fine, I'm sorry to disturb you. I thought Mase was…" I shook my head, taking a step back as I heard a shuffle behind her.

"Edward? He's home, who can I say is here?" Her voice feigned friendliness but I knew the type. It was snarky condescension and her eyes raked over my full appearance before she even looked over her shoulder towards wherever Mase was.

My nerves got the better of me and I knew if I looked into Mase's eyes, my emotions would come flooding to the surface and I would be the train wreck he probably expected me to be. I couldn't let him see me with my heart in my throat. I started moving away from the door, barely glancing back at the mystery blonde as I subtly wiped at my eyes and headed straight for the elevator.

"What's going on?" _Mase._ There were words I didn't hear but Mase got louder as he got more agitated with the blonde.

"Some brunette, I don't know. She knocked but she didn't say anything. She just _left_." The blonde was closing the door as I slammed my fingers against the elevator button, praying for the doors to open before Mase could see me.

"Lauren, fuck! Why would you let her leave?" He sounded angry. His apartment door opened and my heart beat faster. My fingers kept pressing the button and finally, the chime of the elevator pinged. As I turned my head, I caught a glimpse of Mase pushing passed the blonde and locking eyes with me, only long enough for him to see the tears there.

"Bella." It was a plea but he looked confused. I ducked into the elevator and pressed the button for the doors to close, barely holding myself together as I backed against the wall. The last thing I saw as they closed was Mase slapping his hands against the elevator door, yelling my name as the doors locked him out. My eyes closed, I loosed a breath and the tears finally spilled. I had hyped myself up so much for the opportunity of a second chance. A chance at happiness. I didn't think it through, I should have. I wasn't expecting another woman to open his door. I wasn't expecting Mase to have someone... Maybe I was too late.

 **A/N: Thank you for all being so patient. I know this was a long awaited chapter. I've been crazy busy lately but now I can finally get back into the swing of things with a normal schedule. This story will update more regularly now. So tell me what you think! Why was Lauren answering the door? Scandalous. Leave me your thoughts, questions and predictions! Next chapter goes back to Mase!**

 **xoxo**

 **~ Fireheart**


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